To Live Again
by elizard100
Summary: Spike is on the road to redemption with a little demonic help. Set after DMP and contains spoilers for "Older and Far Away".
1. Left Behind

TITLE: To Live Again  
  
PAIRING: B/S, X/A, W/T  
  
RATING: G  
  
SPOILERS: Up to "Older and Far Away" but my interpretation of them.  
  
DISCLAIMER: The characters within this fanfic are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I just borrowed them to take them out for a little spin.  
  
DISTRIBUTION: Feel free to share. Just please let me know first.  
  
FEEDBACK: Please send to elizard100@yahoo.ca  
  
  
  
Set a couple of weeks after "Doublemeat Palace". .  
  
Chapter One:  
  
The blond haired vampire looked down at the tiny creature that lay beside him still deep in slumber, her breathing so sweet and gentle. He leaned in and kissed the tip of her shoulder, his touch eliciting a quiet purr. She stirred slightly and smiled but continued in her reverie. Sunlight kills vampires, Spike marveled, yet here he was touching it, bathing in the warmth, making love to it even and yet he wasn't turning to dust. He could stay like this forever but he knew daybreak was fast approaching and he would have to leave soon. She would be getting up shortly and if he were allowed one waking moment with her in his arms he wouldn't be able to tear himself away. The others still didn't know about them and Spike didn't want to push Buffy further than she was ready to go. They had both come so far these past few weeks.  
  
He carefully removed his arm out from under her and started to pull away. A frown crossed her face and in her sleep she moved closer to him reaching out into the air that now separated them, not wanting to be left. Spike kissed her gently on the lips and stroked her hair. She smiled again. Silently he dressed and prepared to make his departure through her window and down the adjacent tree, no need to wake the house. Pulling the covers up over her he remarked on how peaceful she looked, how unlike any creature he had ever encountered in his long life, so powerful and yet so tender and passionate. At that moment he would have given anything to be able to stay with her but knew that wasn't possible.  
  
As Spike's feet hit the ground he automatically reached for his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He even whistled a happy tune as he made his way back to the cemetery. Life, or rather unlife, was pretty good. Immeasurably better than he had ever thought it could be just after she'd died. That was the lowest point in his life, lower than when Dru left him or even those days when he had to watch Angelus place his hands on Drusilla while he had to sit by tormented and watch from his wheelchair. What a sick bastard he had been. But all that was behind him now. He had the woman he loved in his life and he recognized that this was as good as it gets. As he opened the door to his crypt he could immediately sense that he had a visitor. Spike didn't like uninvited guests and he immediately put on his game face.  
  
  
  
Buffy stretched her arms wide as she opened her eyes. Another day, another dollar she thought to herself. She rolled over and looked at the empty expanse of bed beside her, the imprint of Spike's head still visible on the pillow, the faint smell of leather and cigarettes in the air. He had left already. For now he was still her guilty secret. The night before they had held a Scooby meeting at her house, Spike included in the gathering. As the group broke up Spike took his leave under the pretense of going to a demon bar to shake down some undesirables for the latest demon gossip. But Buffy had known by the look in his eyes that instead he would be doing what he had done on previous occasions, waiting around the corner until he saw Xander and Anya drive away and the lights go out in the downstairs. Buffy was waiting for him when he climbed in her window, just like Angel had done in her previous life while she waited in the dark for her vampire lover. Only this time there were no chaste schoolgirl kisses and unfulfilled desires. It was everything now. Buffy hated how much she needed him, how much she risked just to feel his touch. She thought back to how they had hidden under the blankets containing the sounds of their passion for fear that someone might hear. She knew things shouldn't be like this. But she wasn't ready to tell the others about Spike yet; not when she still had so many questions about her relationship with him herself. Buffy knew that what she was doing was wrong, so very wrong. But if it was so wrong why did it feel so right?  
  
The sound of others stirring in the household made her realize that it was almost 7am. Still a little weary from a night of what Spike referred to as "bloody glorious shagging" Buffy donned her robe and slippers and made her way down the hall to the bathroom. As she reached for the handle, the door opened and Willow emerged, a sullen look on her face. Her eyes were slightly puffy and her face a little swollen as though she had spent the night in tears. Buffy felt a pang of guilt as she looked at her friend who was suffering so much.  
  
"How ya doing Will? Is everything ok?" Buffy attempted.  
  
Willow put on her fake happy face and mumbled something about having trouble sleeping. Buffy just nodded silently but knew the real cause of her friend's discomfort.  
  
In an unforeseen turn of events, relations between Xander and Willow had become more strained lately. Things had been particularly uncomfortable last night as Xander made more than one reference to recent mishaps resulting from Willow's misuse of magic. The two longtime friends had gotten into an argument ending with Xander and Anya storming out.  
  
"Listen, Willow, about Xander." Buffy was going to try to bridge the gap. "He didn't mean what he said. He's just worried for you."  
  
Willow looked up suddenly angry. "I know exactly what he was thinking," she spouted sarcastically. "Once a magic addict, always a magic addict. I've made a few mistakes, sure, but how am I supposed to get on with my life if noone will let me put the past behind me?"  
  
Buffy took a step back startled by the force of Willow's anger. "All I'm saying is that he only reacted the way he did because he cares about you."  
  
"Well he's got a funny way of showing it." Willow pushed past Buffy and went into her room slamming the door behind her.  
  
Buffy didn't know how to fix this but thinking about it was hurting her head. She needed to concentrate on other things like getting dressed and going to work. Buffy pursed her lips in thought and resolved that she would find a way to deal with this and as soon as possible. She, Xander and Willow had been best friends together for years now but their relationship seemed to be self-destructing around them. They weren't talking to each other like they used to and she really felt they were growing apart.  
  
  
  
"I don't know who you are or what you want but you're not welcome here", Spike snarled.  
  
The slight figure turned around. It was Halfrek, Anya's vengeance demon friend who had, when they were both human, been Cecily, the object of Spike's unrequited love. "You?" Spike managed. "What do you want?"  
  
"You're awfully late coming home, " the demon observed, smiling. " Probably up to no good."  
  
"None of your bleeding business." He shot back. "Did you drop by just to criticize me or is there an actual reason for this unwelcome visit? At least vamps have manners. They don't come into your home until they've been invited. Not like you demony lot." He stepped forward lighting a cigarette and drawing from it deeply.  
  
Halfrek took a step forward. "William," she said it gently moving towards him from across the darkened crypt. "I came to talk to you…about us."  
  
"What are you on about?" Spike spat out. "There is no us. There never was. By your choice I seem to recall and don't call me by that name. William is dead. I'm Spike."  
  
"Alright then, Spike," Halfrek was close enough now that Spike could make out the blue veins running through her face and down her neck onto her chest. Blue always was a good colour for her. "I always felt bad about you dying just after I rejected you. I felt responsible that it was all because of me."  
  
"Is that it? Well, don't torture yourself any longer," the blond vampire spurted. "It was the best thing that ever happened to me. So you don't have to feel bad anymore, you can just get on your bike and go your merry way. I'm sure you've got other men to torture."  
  
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I am running a bit behind to liquefy someone's entrails but I wanted to talk with you first" Halfrek paused and looked down. "I know you're involved with this Buffy person and I'm concerned for you."  
  
"Why can't you bleeding women just mind your own business?" Spike admonished. "Me and the girl are doing ok."  
  
"Are you really Spike?" Halfrek was leading into something. "She hasn't told her friends about you. I only figured it out because I've been keeping an eye on you."  
  
Alarmed, Spike took a step towards her. "You won't say anything to them will you?" Spike entreated.  
  
"No, I won't," Halfrek agreed. "But why are you willing to stay with someone who's ashamed of you. How can you let her treat you so? This *thing* you have with her, it isn't real?"  
  
"I'm in love with her," Spike answered. "I lost her once and I won't lose her again. I know it's not perfect and it never will be but I've got her now and for as long as I can have her I won't give her up."  
  
Halfrek looked at him with sadness in her eyes. "So sad that you've been reduced to this. You used to be a name to be feared. Now you're the subject of derision in the demon world. Not only living among humans but sleeping with one of them as well. Her friends *will* find out and when they do she won't be able to keep seeing you. They'll talk her out of it. They'll tell her that it's wrong and it is. She'll realize it and cut you loose."  
  
Spike stomped over to the door to his crypt and held the door open inviting her to leave, the sun was beginning to show it's rays at the outer edges of the cemetery. "If that's all you came by to tell me then I guess you can be going then. You haven't told me anything I don't already know. I know Buffy can never really love me, I know…. I know I'm evil but I can still love her as long as she'll let me. So get out of my sight if you don't want me to start wreaking vengeance on you."  
  
Halfrek gathered her flowing robe around her and strode out into the morning air with a knowing look on her face. Spike hadn't seen the last of her.  
  
  
  
Xander and Anya were just starting to wake up.  
  
"Good morning Xander," Anya said matter of factly leaning over to kiss Xander. "How did you sleep?"  
  
Xander shook his head. "Not so good. I feel really bad about how things went with Willow."  
  
"You were awfully hard on her," Anya acknowledged.  
  
Xander put his hands up to cover his face. "Well, what does she expect? She almost got Dawn killed a few weeks ago and she hasn't had any consideration for those around her submitting us to her spells, playing with our minds. I really don't know where her head is at. If she wasn't my oldest friend I don't know if I could stand to be around her right now."  
  
"Are you worried that she might be using magic still?" Anya asked anxiously.  
  
"I don't know what to think anymore. Sometimes she acts really guilty. Like I've caught her at something. But can we not talk about this right now?" Xander finished turning over onto his side.  
  
Anya reached out and touched his shoulder. "Would you like to have sex with me before you head off to work? That always puts you in a good mood. It's about the only thing we can afford to do these days with the wedding only a month away."  
  
Xander sighed. "As enticing as you make that sound I'm going to have to say no," He pulled himself up to sit on the side of the bed as he fumbled for his slippers. "My boss asked me to come in a little early today. He said there was something important he needed to talk to me about."  
  
"Maybe he's going to offer you a raise. That would be an appropriate gesture on his part considering the good job you've been doing and the fact that you're about to get married. I wonder how much he'll offer you." Anya's eyes glazed over at the prospect of increased revenue.  
  
"Now Anya, don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Xander admonished.  
  
"What a silly expression. Why would I do that?" Anya queried. "Before they hatch they're not even chickens yet. In fact in the early stages they don't even resemble any type of animal, they're just mucus and protein that results from the rooster impregnating the hen." Anya got up out of bed as well then turned to Xander and smiled. "So, what would you like for breakfast Sweetie? I could make us a couple of omelets."  
  
As she sat down at the breakfast table Anya put on a serious face and turned towards Xander. "Have you noticed anything strange about Buffy lately?"  
  
Xander looked up from the bowl of cold cereal he was pouring out and shrugged. "She's a little distant and kind of jumpy, but I figure the girl came back from the dead not too long ago. I'm going to cut her some slack. Why, what do you think is wrong?"  
  
"Well," Anya started. "I've been noticing that she's been spending a lot more time around Spike lately and I think I've figured something out."  
  
Xander nodded for her to continue.  
  
"Well, I think she's lonely for male companionship. She hasn't had a boyfriend since Riley left. She sees you and me happily getting ready to pledge our love for all eternity and until Willow screwed it up with her magic addiction she had to watch her and Tara all lovey dovey all the time. It's got to be hard for her. She's probably been feeling like the fifth wheel around us a lot of the time."  
  
Xander stopped eating. "You know, my bride to be is not only beautiful but she has brains too." Xander paused then announced in a surprised voice. "And so do I. There's this new guy at work, Roger. He's single, good looking and almost as smart and funny as me. How about I invite him to come to Buffy's birthday party tomorrow night?"  
  
"Oh Xander that's a great idea. What a wonderful thing to do for her for her birthday."  
  
Xander smiled, proud of his foresight and resumed eating his cereal.  
  
Anya wore a beaming smile as well. "Do you think maybe we won't have to buy her a present now?"  
  
  
  
  
  
Dawn sat in a chair outside her guidance counselor's office waiting. Since her mother's death she had been required to come in for a weekly "chat" with Mrs. Tomlinson to make sure she was dealing with everything ok. Mrs. Tomlinson was about sixty and smelled like Vicks. Dawn wasn't even sure if she was listening to her most of the time. Every week when Dawn left she told her to stay away from drugs and to study hard. If only she could tell her the whole truth about her life but Dawn knew that if she even began to talk about what was really going on she'd not only be taken away from Buffy but put in an insane asylum. So each week Dawn talked about school and boys and her sister's money problems. Stressful stuff yeah, but normal, so Mrs. Tomlinson would think she had regular teenage problems. Finally the door opened and a different lady stepped out.  
  
"Hello, you must be Dawn," she smiled. "Please come in. I'm Hallie Fredericks. Mrs. Tomlinson has decided to take early retirement. I'll be your new guidance counselor."  
  
Dawn walked into the office. Mrs. Tomlinson had had weird old granny stuff in her office and lots of certificates making it very impersonal. This was different. There were strange masks and figures lining the walls and on the shelves of the bookcase, the likes of which Dawn had only ever seen in the magic shop. There was even a petrified frog encased in glass being used as a paperweight and the room smelled like cinnamon and other spices she couldn't name coming from an incense burner near the window. Sitting on the filing cabinet was a beautiful charm shaped like a star with three points. It was made of some kind of iridescent blue glass but it looked like it had little pieces of silver embedded in it. Dawn had never seen anything so beautiful. Hallie Fredericks had strange taste but it was pretty cool. She smiled. Maybe *this* counselor might not be too weirded out by the bizzarro land that was her life. The smell of the incense was bothering Dawn and she started to cough.  
  
"Can I get you a drink of water?" the woman offered.  
  
"Thanks Ms. Fredericks. That would be great." Dawn squeaked in answer.  
  
"Please Dawn, call me Hallie. I want us to be friends. I'll be right back with your water." Hallie stepped out of the office.  
  
Dawn continued to look around the room and walked over to the beautiful charm to get a closer look. She picked it up to admire it better. It caught the light in such a way that it bounced around the room making shimmery patterns on the walls. Just then Hallie returned. Startled, Dawn quickly shoved the charm into her pocket.  
  
"Here's your water," she said smiling. "Please have a seat."  
  
Hallie opened up a file on her desk. "Let's have a chat shall we? I see you've been cutting some classes and are frequently tardy. Is there something that's bothering you? Actions such as this are usually a cry for help."  
  
Dawn looked down at her hands and didn't say anything.  
  
"Oh, your mother passed away last year. I am so sorry for your loss." Hallie put a protective hand on Dawn's arm. "Where's your father?"  
  
Dawn looked down and a tear came to her eye. "He left us when I was little. He lives in L.A. but he has to travel a lot for his job so I still live here with my sister Buffy."  
  
"So your mother's gone. Your father left. My goodness. You've lost a lot of people for someone so young. You and your sister must be very close." Hallie concluded.  
  
"Yeah, I guess we are." Dawn admitted. "She takes care of me. I know I'm a real pest to her sometimes but she loves me and accepts me as her responsibility."  
  
"Why do you think you're a pest Dawn?" Hallie questioned.  
  
"Well, it's just that I never seem to do anything right. Buffy and her friends, they care about me but they treat me like I'm a little kid. I'm 15 years old but I'll be 16 in four months. A hundred years ago girls were getting married at my age."  
  
Hallie smiled nodding, a faint memory in her eyes, "Yes they were but it very rarely worked out to the mutual satisfaction of both marriage partners. Let me tell you a story. There was a young woman named Cecily; she lived in England in the 1880's. She wasn't much older than you. She was beautiful, intelligent and admired by everyone in polite society. There was even one young man who fancied himself a poet who wrote love sonnets to her. He came from a wealthy family and said he was in love with her but she would have nothing to do with him. Instead she took up with a devilishly handsome soldier. Despite the misgivings of her family she eloped with him and her life took a decided turn for the worse. He gambled and ran up huge debts. Her family disowned her and her friends would have nothing to do with her. After being married for only 8 months he left her for another woman and she was alone and destitute. It turns out he had only married her for her family's money and when that hope was gone he had no further use for her. She was utterly and completely ruined. He had destroyed her life. So what I'm getting at is this, you have so much potential Dawn, don't throw it all away when you're so young. Make the most of your life. Don't make bad decisions that you will have to live with for the rest of your life."  
  
"Wow, that's some story. How do you know all that stuff?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Oh, um, I'm a real history buff," Hallie covered.  
  
"So, what happened to her?"  
  
Hallie smiled mysteriously. "Oh, she found a way to avenge herself on her husband with the help of someone who turned out to be a true friend."  
  
" I thought you said all her society friends had abandoned her?" Dawn wondered.  
  
"This was someone new who understood and appreciated the extent of her need for revenge and helped her to ….do what she needed to do."  
  
Dawn shifted a little uncomfortably in her seat. "What about the poet, the one who loved her, what happened to him?"  
  
Hallie got a distant look in her eyes then said mysteriously. "That remains to be seen."  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy started up the walk to her house and then paused. It looked like noone was home but she could hear something from inside. A low muffled voice saying something that she couldn't make out. Her Slayer senses were tingling. She had been out trying to locate where the nerds had scampered off to but had been unable to detect any sign of them. Perhaps this was another one of their tricks. Buffy's only weapon was a stake but she readied it in her hand should an attack be lying in wait. Buffy stepped inside and flipped on the light switch ready for battle. From the next room a crowd of people rushed in all shouting "Happy Birthday". Buffy looked around her astounded to see Xander, Anya, Willow and Tara and Dawn with a few of her girlfriends. With everything that had been going on she had forgotten it was her birthday. A large banner painted in pink and blue pronounced "Happy Birthday Buffy" in Dawn's unmistakable handwriting. Her sister came bounding over to her.  
  
"Happy Birthday Buffy. Were you surprised? You were surprised weren't you?" Dawn was so excited she couldn't contain herself. Buffy could see how much work Dawn had put into decorations and cleaning the place up. This meant a lot to her.  
  
Buffy smiled and hugged her sister. "You don't know *just* how surprised I was."  
  
"Hey Buff, Happy B-day." Xander came over and gave her a big hug. "So do you consider yourself actually 21 or should we subtract the time while you were "away".  
  
"Did I plan my death right or what?" Buffy asked smiling, " I don't age for 5 months yet I didn't have to miss out on the party or the presents."  
  
"And cake." Xander added.  
  
"Ooh, there's cake too? What kind?"  
  
"Chocolate of course," Willow grinned.  
  
"Chocolate, hmmm. I'm all kinds of happy." Buffy grinned laughing, happier than her friends had seen her in a long time. "This is great you guys. I'm so happy to be here with all my buds (Buffy pauses looking confused as she looks across the room) and some strange guy I've never seen before in my life."  
  
Xander realizes what she means. "Oh, Buffy, this is Roger. He works with me. Roger come here."  
  
A very studly man about Xander's height but much more muscular comes over and smiles warmly at Buffy. "Happy Birthday Buffy. Xander's told me all about you. I'm very glad to finally meet you."  
  
Buffy looks up at him with a slightly bemused look on her face, taking in his very broad shoulders. "It's nice to meet you too."  
  
"I know we've only just met but I didn't like to come to your birthday party without a gift." Roger smiled holding out a little blue box with a bow on top.  
  
"You didn't have to do that." Buffy stammered accepting the box. "Thank you. Can I open it now?"  
  
Roger nodded.  
  
Inside the small box were two tickets to the Ice Capades coming to Sunnydale that coming weekend.  
  
"The Ice Capades?" Buffy screamed excitedly. "I love the Ice Capades. But I can't accept these, they're too expensive and you only just met me."  
  
"Well, I have to make a confession. I actually got them for free." Roger admitted. "My sister is an entertainment reporter for the Sunnydale Tribune and she gets freebies for anything she likes. Plus I was kind of hoping that you might let me use the other ticket. If you say yes, I'll throw in dinner."  
  
Buffy was startled. "I, um, I don't know what to say," she stammered.  
  
"Come on Buff," Xander encouraged. "Roger was nice enough to give you these tickets the least you can do is say yes. It's not like you're seeing anyone else."  
  
"I, uh, guess you're right. Thank you Roger. It's a lovely gift. I'd be very happy to go to the Ice Capades with you," Buffy smiled.  
  
"Ahem."  
  
Chills ran up Buffy's spine as she recognized the voice from behind her. "What's all this then?" A very pissed off blond vampire asked pointedly.  
  
"Spike, what are you doing here?" Buffy turned red as a beet as she turned to face him.  
  
"Your little sis invited me to help celebrate your birthday. But it looks like I'm not needed, " he spat out, the hurt in his voice obvious. "You've got lots of new friends to help you with that."  
  
"Listen, bleach boy, do we have to go over this again?" Xander challenged. "Buffy is not yours. Never has been and never will be."  
  
"Yeah, right." Spike said deadpan, staring deeply and accusingly into Buffy's eyes. "I keep forgetting that. I wonder why that is?  
  
"Look, if I'm getting in between the two of you I'm sorry," Roger interjected. "But Xander said you were lonely and would I do him a favour and ask you out."  
  
Buffy spun around. "A favour?" she spat out. "You asked me out on a date as a favour to Xander. Here take your stupid tickets back. I wouldn't go with you anyway." In a huff Buffy stormed off into the kitchen.  
  
Roger looked extremely uncomfortable. "Uh, Xander, maybe I'd better go. I'll see you at work on Monday."  
  
"Thanks for trying man," Xander said shaking his hand. "I don't know what's up with that girl."  
  
Roger turned, grabbing his jacket and left the house. Spike followed Buffy into the kitchen.  
  
"Wow, this is some party," Anya remarks sarcastically. "I'm really glad we went to the trouble."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Listen Dawn, this party is really kind of lame." Dawn's friend Shasta was making a bored face. "I know it's your sister's birthday and all but we kind of thought there'd be boys here. That cute guy left and we're kind of bored now and I kind of think those two women over there are lesbians."  
  
Marie and Denise nodded in agreement.  
  
"I'm sorry guys, maybe we could play some music and dance," Dawn offered.  
  
"I don't think so," Marie said putting on her coat. "I think we're just going to leave."  
  
"Sorry Dawn," Denise finished flippantly. "By the way, I really like your charm."  
  
Dawn looked down at the three pointed star charm she wore on a chain around her neck feeling a little guilty and a lot alone.  
  
  
  
"Tara you would be so proud of me," Willow pleaded. "I've been completely magic free for weeks now. I'm really trying."  
  
"That's great Willow," Tara acknowledged. "But that doesn't change what you did to me, what you did to all of us. I know it's still hard for us to be around each other but I wanted to be here for Buffy tonight. Me being here isn't about us." The pain in Tara's voice was evident. " I found out what you did, g-g-g-going to that place and what happened with Dawn. I don't feel like I even know you anymore."  
  
"But, I want us to try to start over. Magic free. I can do this baby. Just give me a chance. Just have faith in me." Willow pleaded grabbing Tara by the arm.  
  
"Let go of my arm," Tara demanded, raising her voice slightly.  
  
Dawn rushed over, "What's wrong you two? You were talking all nice and everything."  
  
"I think I have to leave, this isn't going well." Tara managed through the tears that were starting to well up in her eyes. " I'm sorry Dawnie. This wasn't such a good idea for me to come here tonight. I'm going to go say good night to Buffy and then I'm going home. I think maybe I should stay away from here for a while."  
  
"No," Dawn cried out. The pain washed over her as she saw yet another person she cared about abandoning her.  
  
  
  
"Look, I don't know what you're playing at," Spike demanded. "But the way you're acting is worthy of Drusilla, what with chasing after other blokes when you think I'm not looking."  
  
Buffy reared up her head. "Take that back."  
  
"Oh yeah, now I see what I'm attracted to in you. You've got a streak of cruelty in you a mile wide, just like Dru had. Maybe that's what caught my attention in the first place. All these noble acts and intentions are nothing. You bloody women aren't happy unless you're screwing with my head as well as my body."  
  
"Spike, I only agreed to go out with him because Xander pressured me into it. It didn't mean anything," Buffy explained.  
  
"Could have fooled me, luv. You're quite the good actress."  
  
Spike stood his ground resolutely. Buffy leaned over and her hands on either side of his face and leaned in and kissed him deeply.  
  
"Does that convince you where my true interests lie?" Buffy asked pulling away smiling kittenishly.  
  
"No, it doesn't." Spike answered in all seriousness. " Not while we're still a secret. Until you can admit it to someone this will never be real to you. This is just your dirty little secret completely risk free because you don't have to give anything up for it."  
  
Just then the door opened and Tara came in.  
  
"Buffy, I'm sorry but I've got to leave. Seeing Willow like this," her voice was starting to tear up. "It's not going well. I just wanted to say goodnight to you and wish you a happy birthday. But I've got to get out of here."  
  
"That sounds like a bloody good idea to me," Spike concurred. "I'm out of here too."  
  
"Spike," Buffy called after him. "Don't go like this."  
  
  
  
"Spike, where are you going? You're not leaving too are you?" Dawn looked over at the angry vampire as he made for the door.  
  
"I'm sorry little bit," he said through clenched teeth as he turned to face her. "But I haven't got the stomach to stay around here any more. I'm leaving."  
  
Tara emerged from the kitchen and went to pick up her coat and purse. Willow looked over from the corner with a hurt look on her face.  
  
"Everyone's leaving me," Dawn cried out in frustration. "This always happens to me. Why does everyone always leave me? She fell down on the floor sobbing. "I wish everyone would stop leaving me."  
  
Suddenly there was a flash of light from the charm Dawn was wearing and the form of Halfrek, the vengeance demon appeared in the room inside a glowing orb.  
  
"It is done," she proclaimed then disappeared.  
  
"What the hell?" Spike shouted as he continued towards the door. As he attempted to go out an invisible barrier held him back. It was like he was walking into an invisible wall.  
  
"Bloody hell," the angry vampire exclaimed.  
  
  
  
  
  
TBC 


	2. The Birthday Wish

TITLE: To Live Again, Part the Second  
  
PAIRING: B/S, X/A, W/T  
RATING: G  
SPOILERS: Up to "Older and Far Away" but my interpretation of them and some I disregard completely. After "Older and Far Away" I touch on "As You Were" and then go off on my own tangent different from where the show is headed, I just wanted to explore this concept beginning with where the show is expected to leave off. I wrote another fanfic, "Happily Ever After" as the wedding episode, based on currently known spoilers so I didn't want to go back to the wedding again. Therefore we're taking a trip somewhere else.  
DISCLAIMER: The characters within this fanfic are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I just borrowed them to take them out for a little spin.  
DISTRIBUTION: Feel free to share. Just please let me know first.  
FEEDBACK: Please send to elizard100@yahoo.ca  
  
Set a couple of weeks after "Doublemeat Palace".  
  
Chapter II  
  
The blond vampire picked himself up off the floor. "What the hell was that? I've heard of spells to keep vampires out, but this is the first time I've ever seen one to keep them in."  
  
"Dawn," Buffy accused as she rushed over. "What did you do? What is this?"  
  
The others gathered around Dawn looking at her questioningly.  
  
Dawn was suddenly very scared. "I don't know Buffy. I....I....didn't do *anything*," she stammered. "I just said I wished everyone would stop leaving me."  
  
Buffy immediately took charge, "Well, someone did something."  
  
Xander looked in Willow's direction who noticed this immediately. "I didn't do it. I know what you're all thinking but I didn't do this." She turned to Tara, "Tara, you know I didn't do this, don't you?"  
  
Tara thought about it a minute and then said matter of factly, "I believe her. Willow didn't do this."  
  
Willow looked back at Tara with gratitude in her eyes expressing a silent thank you.  
  
Buffy immediately took charge. "Well maybe it's a wish fulfillment spell. Someone else try making a wish."  
  
Anya immediately jumped up excitedly, "I wish for a big pile of money." The look of disappointment on her face when none appeared was immediate.  
  
"Let's try for something easier" Buffy suggested. "I wish I could walk out the door." Buffy then tried to go through the front door but she too faced the impenetrable barrier.  
  
"Dawn, will you try it?" she asked. "You made the original wish. Maybe you can unwish us."  
  
"Gladly," Dawn sulked. "I wish we could all leave this house."  
  
Buffy tried the front door again to no avail.  
  
"Is it every door or maybe just this one," Xander suggested. He ran off through the kitchen only to return with a defeated look on his face. "Nope, it's all the doors."  
  
"I'm finding a way out of here if it kills me," Spike decided picking up a chair and heading for the front window.  
  
"If you break that you have to pay for it," Buffy called after him. "Windows are expensive and so are chairs."  
  
"I'll pay for any damage I do," Spike agreed pointedly. Then with a meaningful glance directed at Buffy he added, "I always do." Buffy looked down, embarrassed.  
  
Spike swung the chair at the window only to have it bounce off an invisible barrier undamaged. "Well, that settles that then kiddies," he announced. "We're stuck."  
  
Dawn had settled into a chair at the far end of the room, obviously upset. Tara came over and sat on the ottoman in front of her. "Are you ok Dawnie?" she asked.  
  
"Of course I'm not ok." she spat out. "Why do things like this always happen to us? I wanted Buffy's birthday to be special and now it's like every other day of our lives. Why can't we just be like normal people?"  
  
"I don't know," Tara admitted. "A lot of strange things happen in Sunnydale what with it being on a Hellmouth and all. We kind of just have to get used to it and learn to live with it. But I think I know a way that we can figure out what's causing this, the only thing is I need a few things to do the spell."  
  
"Like what?" Dawn asked. "Magic things?"  
  
"Yeah, just simple stuff that Willow would easily have," Tara said looking in Willow's direction.  
  
Dawn's heart sank. "But we got rid of all of Willow's magic stuff to help her. Anything remotely magical we threw out."  
  
"Oh," Tara sighed, disappointed. "That's too bad. Willow could have done it with just her mind but we can't ask her and I have to use ingredients to make the spell work."  
  
"We're out of luck then," Dawn sounded defeated. "Willow won't do magic for anything now."  
  
Tara looked surprised. "Really? She's been able to keep away from it? Not even little spells?"  
  
Dawn shook her head. "Nothing. It's been hard for her. Amy tried to make trouble for her a few weeks ago. She tried to force Willow to use magic but she wouldn't do it. I was really proud of her, and Buffy was impressed that she admitted to us that she was tempted."  
  
Tara looked across the room at Willow to see her engaged deep in conversation with Buffy, Xander and Anya. Spike sat in a chair near them drinking a beer sullenly with one foot propped up on the coffee table.  
  
"So what do we do?" Anya asked, somewhat alarmed. "We can't use brute strength, we can't used magic. We have nothing with which to combat this."  
  
"You know what the man said, nothing will come of nothing. I guess we'll just have to do it the old fashioned way and use our brains," Xander offered hopefully.  
  
Oh, a lot of good that'll do," Anya pouted. "We'll be stuck in here forever and I'll never get married and receive domestically practical yet still very expensive gifts."  
  
"Glad to see you've got your priorities straight Anya," Willow jabbed sarcastically.  
  
"Come on you guys, cut it out," Buffy tried interrupting.  
  
"No, let her finish Buffy, "Anya continued. "What's that supposed to mean exactly?"  
  
Xander stepped to the side sheepishly, letting the women in his life fight their battle of words.  
  
"It's just, well, it wouldn't hurt you to think about someone else for once," Willow observed.  
  
Anya looped her arm through Xander's pulling him into the fray. " I do think of others. I think about Xander almost more than I think about myself. Plus witnessing our forthcoming nuptials and ensuing marital bliss will be an occasion of celebration for all of you. Especially considering that it's not like any of the rest of you has any prospect of a happy relationship of your own on the horizon."  
  
Spike looked up. "Hear, hear," he agreed as he took another swig from his bottle of beer.  
  
"Hey Anya," Willow took offense at this latest statement by the former demon. "I'd watch what I was saying if I was you. You're really starting to piss everyone off."  
  
Spike took this opportunity to stand up as he got a distant look in his eyes with a wry smile he waxed nostalgic. "You know, there was this bloke I used to know back in Paris after the war. Drusilla took a taste of him once just for fun but then spit him out. She said he tasted like nothing. Anyway, he had this theory that hell wasn't a place. He always said it was just being around other people. Considering how you all treat each other, I think his friends must have been like you lot. You have the uncanny ability to take any bad situation and make it immeasurably worse."  
  
Buffy looked from startled face to startled face. "I agree with Spike," she conceded after consideration. "Standing around arguing isn't going to fix this problem. We have to try to figure this out. Let's start with the basics. What do we know?"  
  
"Oh, oh, I know. We're trapped in your house," Xander offered.  
  
"Kind of obvious, but yes, correct," Buffy admitted. "What else?"  
  
"There's invisible barriers which suggests some kind of a binding spell," Willow observed. "It seems to have been triggered by what Dawn said."  
  
"So someone or something has placed this spell on us. Could it have been Warren and those other two?" Anya suggested. "Would they have done something like this?"  
  
"I don't see what purpose they could have," Buffy puzzled. "Unless they're doing something tonight they don't want me to catch them at. But why trap all of you here too? They don't know you guys and therefore they're not threatened by you."  
  
"Maybe it's because we're your bestest buds," Xander suggested. "Your compadres. Those to whom you turn for support and inspiration. We are the Watson to your Sherlock Holmes, the Richie and Potsie to your Fonz, the, um, Pussycats to your Josie.  
  
Anya let out a terrified little scream.  
  
"Ok An, not the greatest analogies granted, but they're not that bad," Xander complained.  
  
"No, not that," Anya managed. "There, coming down the hallway from the kitchen."  
  
They all moved into the hallway to get a better look. A purple fog was beginning to appear in the kitchen.  
  
"It's coming out from under the basement door," Buffy observed.  
  
A loud thudding sound began to emanate from below them.  
  
"Buffy, I'm scared," Dawn cried out. "What is that?"  
  
Spike immediately sprang into action. "Right, there's your answer to what's doing this. You've got some sort of beastie in the house. We kill the thing and we can all get out of here. Problem solved."  
  
"Ok, let's get some weapons," Buffy decided. "I've been wanting to try out my new battle axe on something. This looks like the perfect occasion. I think I left it over here behind the couch yesterday."  
  
"No pet, you put it under your bed," Spike offered offhandedly as he rushed over to the weapons chest in the living room. "The end was sticking out a bit, nearly broke my bloody foot on it."  
  
"Oh right," Buffy acknowledged. "Thanks Spike." She then rushed up the stairs to retrieve it while Spike proceeded to remove knives and smaller armaments for the Scoobies to protect themselves. Dawn stood in the hallway nervously looking up after her sister and keeping an eye on the purple fog.  
  
"Come and get `em folks," Spike rang out. "Weapons all around."  
  
Anya took a step forward and then paused looking from the direction Buffy had gone in to Spike with a confused look on her face. "But, how did you know.....?"  
  
All of a sudden the door leading to the basement burst open and writhing tentacles could be seen reaching out towards them. Dawn let out an earsplitting scream, frozen in fear.  
  
"Dawn," Willow called out, grabbing the terrified teenager and shoving her into the relative safety of the living room. As she did this, a tentacle lashed out and hit Willow across the face drawing blood and knocking her to the floor. Spike and Xander jumped forward hacking at the creature, driving it back towards the basement door. Buffy was down the stairs in mere seconds, axe at the ready, and quickly joined the two as Anya and Tara tended to Willow's wound while Dawn looked on.  
  
"How do I kill this thing?" Buffy grunted as she hacked at tentacles that wouldn't stop moving.  
  
Xander wasn't making much progress either with the hand axe he was using nor was Spike with his machete but the efforts of the three combined seemed to keep the creature at bay. The floor soon became slick with the creature's blood. Spike raised his arms up in an effort to bring down a tremendous blow when he slipped on the muck and ended up on his back in the midst of it, his weapon flying out of his hands. Looking up he could see a strange sack hanging from the underside of the creature.  
  
"Buffy," he called out. "Under here," he pointed.  
  
Buffy took aim and fiercely attacked the small protuberance severing it from the creature's underside in one fell swoop. It immediately let out a shriek of pain and retreated back into the basement. Buffy and Xander quickly grabbed the door that had been blown open and shut it tight.  
  
"Spike," Buffy called out. "I need you to help me move the refrigerator over in front of the door to hold it in case it comes back up. Xander, go see if everyone's ok in the living room."  
  
The vampire immediately gave assistance shifting the heavy appliance into position. After they made sure the door would hold, the two leaned against the refrigerator and looked at each other, all animosity forgotten.  
  
"Boy cutting that thing off really got a reaction out of it," Buffy observed innocently. "I wonder what that was?"  
  
Spike had a smirk on his face. "I kind of think you gave him something more to worry about than us. That is, if that was the masculine version of whatever that was."  
  
"You mean I just...." Buffy was finally clueing in to what had just happened. "Eww. Gross," Buffy scrunched up her face at the thought of it.  
  
"In that case you might want to pick it up off the kitchen floor then. Wouldn't want the kid sis finding *that*," Spike pointed out.  
  
Buffy quickly deposited the object into the trashcan and washed her hands in the sink while Spike looked on.  
  
Buffy looked up into his face and smiled. "Thanks for being here," she said quietly.  
  
"Not as if I have any choice in the matter," Spike answered nonchalantly. "While this barrier is up I can't really go anywhere else. So you get any more nasty things coming out of your basement, I'm here for you. Whether you want me here or not."  
  
"I didn't mean for *that*," she forced herself to admit. "I meant for me, for my birthday. You know that guy earlier, it really was nothing. I know I said yes but I wasn't planning to go through with it."  
  
"Well, that probably is in the best interest of both his health and sanity," Spike teased. "What with the company you keep." He nodded his head towards the basement. They both laughed at the shared joke.  
  
Buffy and Spike walked into the other room still smiling. Willow sat on the couch looking a little pale.  
  
Anya looked up as they approached, "Are we safe now?  
  
"I don't think that beastie is planning to come anywhere near us," Spike explained. "Buffy made sure he's not going to want to do anything for a while. She has a way with males of any species."  
  
Buffy just smiled.  
  
Anya observed the camaraderie between them and then asked bluntly, "So how long have you two been sleeping together?"  
  
"Anya," Xander nearly choked. "Are you insane? Buffy's not having sex with Spike. That would be sick and perverse and Buff, help me out here. You're not denying this."  
  
Buffy just remained silent.  
  
Anya piped up, "Of course it's true. It's the only logical conclusion. She's spending a lot of time with Spike. She wasn't interested in Roger at all, that was obvious. Also, Spike knew where things were in her bedroom and Buffy didn't mind him knowing. Plus, just look at them together. You'd have to be blind to ignore the signs."  
  
Willow looked up, "Buffy, is this true?" The shock was evident in her voice. "How? Why?"  
  
Buffy stared down at the floor avoiding their worried glances. "Because he makes me feel alive," Buffy finally managed to get out.  
  
Xander grabbed Spike and slammed him into the wall, "Is this some kind of spell you've put on her because if it is, your number is finally up sleazeball."  
  
Buffy pulled Xander back forcefully and turned to face him. "Xander, there's no spell. I don't expect you to understand but just know that this is what I need in my life right now."  
  
"Do you love him Buffy?" Dawn asked.  
  
"I don't know," Buffy admitted. "I just know that I need him. More than I've needed anyone since Mom died. I hope you guys can accept this. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I didn't know how to."  
  
"Sooner?" Xander exclaimed coming back to stand with Anya. "How long has this been going on Buffy?"  
  
"For about two months now. It all started when I found out Spike could hurt me," Buffy explained.  
  
"The chip's not working?" Xander sounded alarmed.  
  
"Don't get your knickers in a twist. You're all safe, the bloody chip is still working just fine. If it weren't, you wouldn't have been able to do what you did to me just a little while ago. Buffy's the only one the chip will let me hurt," Spike explained.  
  
Tara nodded in agreement.  
  
"Buffy, isn't that pretty dangerous then?" Xander said looking at Spike with concern. "I mean if he can hurt you aren't you concerned that he'll kill you when you're....um....vulnerable?"  
  
Buffy looked over at Spike with what could be interpreted as tenderness, "But he doesn't. He's had plenty of opportunities and he doesn't."  
  
Spike looked back at Buffy with a similar look in his eyes. "I prefer the Slayer very much alive."  
  
Anya smiled, "Well, I for one, endorse this relationship. I think Spike has proven to us that his intentions are good and it is important for us to support reformed demons, what with being one myself. Besides, I suspect that Spike would be very good in bed and could provide Buffy with a great deal of sexual satisfaction."  
  
Buffy looked at Spike rather sheepishly, "Oh yeah. Definitely."  
  
Spike grinned back.  
  
"That's so cool you guys. But Spike, come on, couldn't you do better than my dumb sister," Dawn teased.  
  
"Don't want to," he stated firmly taking Buffy's hand and bringing it up to his lips.  
  
Xander turned a little green, "I think I'm going to be sick."  
  
Willow slumped down from where she was sitting, "I don't feel so hot myself," she managed.  
  
"Um, Buffy," Tara interrupted. "I think there's something wrong with Willow."  
  
Buffy rushed to her friend's side where she had slid down to a lying position on the sofa. "Willow?" she entreated. "What's the matter? Are you hurt?"  
  
"I'm ok Buffy. Really I am," Willow attempted to put a brave face on the situation. "Just a little woozy. See, I can sit up." Willow tried to get up into a sitting position but promptly fell back down again. "Well, maybe I'll just lie here for a little bit. So, you and Spike, huh?" Willow had a strained look on her face and Buffy didn't know if it was her reaction to the news or some physical malady.  
  
Tara had a look of concern on her face. "I think that creature had poison on it's tentacles and when Willow got cut it got into her blood stream. With not knowing what this creature is or how it got here I'm not sure what to do. I'm worried."  
  
Buffy got a scared look on her face as she looked down at the ashen face of her best friend. Turning around to face Spike she looked up at him imploringly. "Spike," she asked. "What do we do? I can fight monsters but what do I do with this? I wish Giles were here. He's know what to do."  
  
"Don't you worry," he comforted, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Red's not going anywhere. She's strong and we're a resourceful lot. We just need to figure out what's causing us to be trapped in here and what put that thing in the basement."  
  
Xander shifted uncomfortably as he watched the obvious intimacy between Buffy and Spike.  
  
Tara chose this moment to speak up. "I, I know a spell. It might be able to tell us what's behind all of this. It's a simple incantation but I need some things in order to perform it."  
  
Buffy looked up with a glimmer of hope. "Like what?" she asked.  
  
"Just some regular kitchen herbs that I need to burn and a blue quartz crystal to channel the spell through," Tara explained. "But Dawn said you got rid of everything magic in the house. Are you sure you got rid of everything?"  
  
Buffy looked downcast regretting her complete magic sweep of the month prior, "I'm sure Tara. We were pretty thorough."  
  
"Tara," Willow called out weakly and somewhat embarrassed. "I have a quartz crystal you can use. It's in my jewelry box in the secret compartment. You gave it to me for my birthday last year and I couldn't bear to part with it. I've never used it for anything since I stopped doing magic but I needed something around me that was from you. I wasn't planning to do any magic with it. Really I wasn't."  
  
Tara reached down and took Willow's hand. "It's ok, Willow. I know you didn't. I'm going to go get the crystal. Buffy, will you get me some basil, two bay leaves and some cloves in a bowl that I can grind them and then burn them in." Tara looked down at Willow, "Don't worry Willow. Everything is going to be ok."  
  
Willow moaned and closed her eyes sinking in and out of unconsciousness.  
  
Ten minutes later Tara sat cross-legged on the living room floor with the crystal in her right hand. The aromatic scent of burnt herbs filled the air as Tara chanted over and over again, "Goddess, we invoke thee. Goddess we beseech thee. Pull back the curtain and reveal the source of the magic that is being worked here."  
  
After a few minutes the crystal began to glow brightly as a bright swirling orb appeared in the room revealing the figure of Halfrek.  
  
"Halfrek?" Anya exclaimed surprised. "You're behind this? But this isn't a vengeance spell."  
  
"It's not? You're kidding me?" the vengeance demon responded in embarrassed tones. "Oh, is my face red."  
  
"Undo it quickly," Anya urged. "Willow is in great discomfort and there is some creature in the basement that is extremely dangerous."  
  
"Is he big and green with lots of tentacles?" Halfrek asked.  
  
"Yes," they all chimed in.  
  
"Oh, so that's where I put him," she declared happily. "That's Hmmmalkra from one of the demon dimensions. I had him scheduled for a vengeance spell and then I lost track of him. His mate caught him rubbing his reproductive sack against another female and invoked me to wreak vengeance upon him."  
  
Buffy explained a little uncomfortably, "Um, we kind of cut that reproductive sack thingy off when we were fighting him. We didn't know what it was."  
  
"Well, I guess my job's already done with him then," Halfrek enthused laughing.  
  
"Um, excuse me," Tara interrupted. "But could you please remove the spell you put on us so we can help Willow. She's not doing so well."  
  
"Oh no, a vengeance spell is never revoked. If someone wishes vengeance on you then vengeance must be done."  
  
"Who would want vengeance on us?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Well, her of course," Halfrek said, pointing to Dawn. "She's the one who invoked me and made the wish that noone ever leave here. Hmmmalkra was just an extra bonus."  
  
"But I didn't mean to," Dawn pleaded. "It was an accident. Please make this all stop."  
  
"I'm sorry but you have my charm and you made a wish while you were wearing it." Halfrek pointed out.  
  
"Ms. Fredericks? Dawn exclaimed in recognition. "You're a vengeance demon? So I guess you're not my new guidance counselor?"  
  
" I was at your school because Mrs. Crandall, your English teacher just found out that her husband is cheating on her and the charm was supposed to be for her but you took it from my office when I wasn't looking," Halfrek explained. "Then you made a wish while wearing it. Once a wish is made it cannot be undone."  
  
"DAWN," Buffy angrily yelled at her sister. "You stole her charm? What were you thinking? Look what happened."  
  
"Actually as far as vengeance spells go, this one wasn't so bad," Halfrek attempted to comfort. "It could have been much worse."  
  
Buffy turned to look at Spike. "Maybe I'm not as screwed up as I thought I was. Maybe I'm just like everyone else around here. So what do we do now? Can we fight this vengeance demon, cause I'm more than happy to fight demons once I know which demons I'm fighting."  
  
"Halfrek," Anya stepped in. "Obviously this isn't a vengeance spell. It was an accident, won't you please undo it. Willow is very ill and we need to help her. Leave the rest of us here if you must but help her. I'd consider it a personal favour."  
  
"Well, since it's you Anyanka. I'll make an exception in this case. I do owe you a lot. You helped me to become a vengeance demon in the first place. I'm sure D'Hoffryn wouldn't mind me breaking the rules just this once, since it's you. But you have to do something for me in exchange."  
  
"Anything," Anya agreed.  
  
"Can I be maid of honour at your wedding?" Halfrek requested. "You were there for me when I needed you, back when I was human. You helped me to get my revenge on my worthless husband. He makes quite the nice paperweight on my desk, don't you think so Dawn?"  
  
"Oh, my gosh that story you told me about that woman was you? And so your husband is that frog paperweight on your desk? Oh my gosh," Dawn responded in shock.  
  
Anya looked at Xander who was helping Willow up into a sitting position and nodded her agreement. "Alright Hallie, you're the maid of honour, now undo this spell."  
  
"Consider it undone," Halfrek declared in a booming voice then turned giddy. "So I want to throw you a bridal shower. Where can I tell everyone you're registered?"  
  
Willow started to sit up. "Wow, what happened? I'm a little woozy but my head is starting to clear."  
  
"You're ok now Willow. Everything's all better baby," Tara leaned over and gave Willow a hug.  
  
Willow looked down at the coffee table and saw the blue crystal and the herbs and stiffened in Tara's arms. "Tara, about the crystal. I didn't slip. I haven't been doing any magic. I swear."  
  
"Shush, Willow I know. I know." Tara said in a comforting voice. "Why don't you go and lie down. You've had a long night. I'll help you upstairs."  
  
Tara helped Willow get to her feet and started walking her towards the stairs. "Oh and Anya," Willow paused. "For what you did. Thanks. I appreciate it. I'm sorry for what I said earlier." Willow smiled.  
"Oh, it's the least I can do considering you're not maid of honour anymore. Sorry Willow." Anya shrugged.  
  
Buffy turned to Halfrek, "What about Hmmmwhatsis in the basement?"  
  
"Oh, I sent him back to his mate in his own dimension. I don't think she'll have to worry about him anymore, that is, thanks to you," Halfrek explained laughing. "So Anyanka, I really have to dash but give me a chant in the next day or two and we'll talk wedding plans. Oh and Dawn, I need my charm back."  
  
Dawn stepped up and handed the three pointed star charm to the giddy vengeance demon glad to be rid of it.  
  
"Thanks Dawn," Halfrek said taking the charm. "I am so excited about this wedding Anyanka. By the way, have you got a caterer yet? Gongfast the Dismemberer has set up a catering business and I bet he'd cut you a deal. He always liked you. Anyway, gotta go, bye for now." Then Halfrek disappeared into a puff of smoke.  
  
"This wedding is *so* not turning out like I thought it was going to," Xander observed.  
  
Anya turned to Xander and slapped him across the face. Xander looked completely thunderstruck. "Anya, what's wrong?"  
  
"I am working so hard to make a beautiful wedding for us and all you do is complain. Everything I choose costs too much, you don't want me inviting my friends from the demon realm, and you don't like the song I picked out for our first dance, now you complain about my friend Hallie being my maid of honour. Do you even still want to get married to me Xander Harris?" she demanded.  
  
Xander looked around at the startled faces of the onlookers. "Of course I do Anya. I love you. I'm sorry for being such a goof. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I didn't want to have to tell you but when I had to go in to see my boss the other day he told me that they're shutting down the company. I've been hearing rumours about it for the last few weeks but now it's official. My last day will be a week before the wedding. I've lost my job."  
  
"Oh, Xander, why didn't you tell me?" Anya asked crestfallen.  
  
"I didn't want to let you down. This whole wedding thing is really expensive and problematic as it is and I didn't want to add any extra stress to the mix but I guess I screwed up and made things worse. This wedding is about you and me getting married. I really don't care if we have to eat Doublemeat Medleys in the back of the Magic Box." Xander took Anya's hand in his. "So long as what's between us is right. I don't care about the rest of it. If you want Hallie as your maid of honour I won't say a word. If you want to use Gongfast the Dismemberer as the caterer that's ok too."  
  
"Oh Xander, I love you." Anya cooed leaning up and kissing him enthusiastically then turned serious. "I wouldn't have used Gongfast anyway. Despite Hallie thinking he's cheap he charges an arm and a leg."  
  
"Is he that expensive?" Xander asked.  
  
"No," Anya looked confused. "Didn't you hear what I said? He charges an arm and a leg. *Your* arm and *your* leg. I can find a *much* better deal than that."  
  
"Uh, yeah," Xander nodded taken aback. "Definitely. Buffy, I can truly say that this birthday, like all your others, was truly unforgettable."  
  
"Hey, we didn't have any cake," Buffy observed. "I didn't get to make my birthday wish."  
  
Spike looked over at Dawn," I think we've had enough wishes for one night, don't you Slayer?"  
  
Xander nodded in agreement, "What would you have wished for anyway?"  
  
Buffy answered seriously, "No more birthday parties. They never work out for me."  
  
Xander leaned over to give Buffy a hug. "You got it. I just want to go upstairs and see how Willow's doing. I think I owe *her* an apology too." Xander and Anya started to climb the stairs.  
  
"I think I'm going to head off to bed now myself," Dawn said faking a yawn and heading for the stairs.  
  
"Dawn, wait," Buffy called out. "We've got a few things to talk about. Come back here and have a seat please."  
  
Dawn returned to the couch where Buffy was sitting and slumped into the cushions.  
  
"I'm just going to go outside for a cigarette," Spike excused himself. "I've been dying for one all night what with not being able to go outside. This'll give you two a chance to talk."  
  
"Dawn, I need to know." Buffy asked concerned. "How long has this been going on? How long have you been stealing?"  
  
"It's no big deal Buffy. After Mom died I started shoplifting a little. It just gave me a little kick. The thrill of maybe getting caught was exciting." Dawn looked down at her hands. "I didn't think anyone would get hurt from it."  
  
"Stealing is wrong. It's illegal and it's immoral," Buffy pointed out. "You can't do it anymore."  
  
"I get it Buffy. I've been caught red handed. I'm giving up my life of crime," Dawn tried to make light of the situation.  
  
This isn't funny Dawn," Buffy was serious now. "Because of your stealing we were all put in danger. Willow could have died. I think you need to think about what you did. You're grounded for two weeks with no television."  
  
"You're overreacting Buffy. Spike steals things all the time," Dawn pointed out. "You don't criticize him. You just told us tonight that he's your new boyfriend so why is it ok for him to do that and not me."  
  
"Because I said so," Buffy finally put her foot down with Dawn. "Spike is different from us. He's a vampire. Things that he thinks are acceptable aren't to us. You can't hold Spike up as an example of what you should be like. Spike cares about us very much but he's still a vampire and he will always be a vampire." Buffy looked down wistfully and added in a low voice, "He can never be a truly good person because he's not human, despite how we might feel about him. Why don't you go to your room now."  
  
Dawn turned and stomped up the stairs.  
  
As Xander and Anya entered Willow's bedroom they saw Tara sitting on the side of the bed, holding Willow's hand, close in conversation.  
  
"Um, Willow," Xander interrupted. "I don't want to disturb you but I just wanted to see you before we leave."  
  
"Come on in guys," Tara invited. "It's ok, we're just talking."  
  
Willow sat up in bed and looked towards Xander questioningly.  
  
"Will," Xander began. "I just wanted to apologize for how I've been acting towards you lately. I haven't been fair to you. I don't know if I can explain this right or not, but you see, ever since we were kids, any time I had a problem, I could always come to you. You were always a lot smarter than me and could help me figure everything out. Then you became the one with the problem and I didn't know how to help you. I felt like I had failed you when you needed me and so I got mad at *you* because I was thinking that I had screwed up. I let you down. I'm so sorry Willow. I should have been there for you. I should have seen that you were in trouble before it got as bad as it did. Instead all I did was judge you and that's not what friends do. I'm just a big goof."  
  
Willow reached out a hand to Xander, "Yeah, but I love you, you big goof."  
  
"I love you too Will," Xander hugged her tight.  
  
Willow looked up at Tara. Tara smiled and said softly, "I love you too Willow."  
  
Willow looked up with a light in her eyes, "You still love me?" she asked breaking free of Xander.  
  
"I never stopped loving you. It wouldn't have hurt so badly if I didn't love you so darn much." Tara admitted.  
  
"Are we better then?" Willow's heart leapt with joy.  
  
Tara's smile fell from her face. "I don't know Willow. Loving someone, no matter how much doesn't make everything right. There's more to it than that. Relationships are about more than just loving each other."  
  
"Are you saying that we'll never get back together Tara?" Willow was choking back the tears.  
  
Tara looked away from Willow avoiding her bewildered stare. "I love you Willow, but I didn't think I could forgive you. I was so mad at you for the things you did to me, to all of us. It was an abuse of your powers and that's inexcusable." Tara turned and faced Willow. "But the way you were tonight is making me think there might be hope for us yet. The old Willow would have used magic to stop that demon without even thinking about it. But you didn't, even when you got hurt saving Dawn. That shows me that you've changed. I won't promise anything but we can try."  
  
Willow looked up at her, "That's all I'm asking for is another chance."  
  
Xander beamed at his friend's happiness, "Well, I guess we're not all necessarily doomed to die old and alone on the Hellmouth."  
  
Willow jumped up startled, "Xander, I almost forgot. Was it the blood poison fever or did Buffy really tell us she was sleeping with Spike?"  
  
The blond vampire emerged from the shadows at the back of the living room where he had been standing. "Nice little talk you two had there."  
  
"How long have you been listening?" Buffy asked, somewhat startled.  
  
"Long enough, he admitted. "But you know you didn't touch on the real problem," he pointed out.  
  
Which is?" Buffy asked, sounding a little annoyed.  
  
"Can't you see? She doesn't want the little baubles and trinkets she steals. That's not what it's about. She needs to possess *things* because she feels like she can't possess the people in her life. Think about it. I'm more of a father figure to her than her own Dad is, that's why she's picking up my bad habits." Buffy looked a little uncomfortable at that revelation. "Your Mum kicked it last year leaving you in the Mum role, then you died too. Red and her girlfriend tried to fill the role and then you came back again. And now, despite your best intentions you can't always be there for her like your Mum was. She's had to deal with a lot of people coming and going in her life. You heard the wish she made. It's not about the stuff she's stealing, she feels like she keeps getting abandoned. That's the bigger issue that you need to deal with. It looks like you've got some things to think about too," he said walking towards the door. "I'm heading back to my crypt. Hope you like  
your birthday gift." Spike pointed to a package wrapped in gold paper lying on the mantle. He walked out without looking back.  
  
Buffy sat there for a few minutes digesting what he had said. Then she got up and retrieved the small box from the mantle. Pulling the wrappings back she discovered a small wooden box, rough hewn but of a fragrant wood with delicate carvings adorning it. She opened it up and inside she found a tiny scroll and two crystals wrapped in pieces of blue velvet. When she took them out and sat them on the table she saw that they were both made of some clear stone that was iridescent. One was silver in colour and the other was pinkish. Unrolling the scroll Buffy could make out Spike's strong and steady handwriting:  
  
Buffy,  
  
For your birthday I didn't want to give you a thing that, being a mere physical object, could never express what you mean to me. Rather I have undertaken to give you this experience that I hope will give you happiness and some peace of mind.  
  
When you are by yourself, take the two gemstones herein and touch the two ends together. Tap them twice and command them to speak.  
  
All my love,  
  
Spike  
  
Buffy looked down at the contents of the box unsure if after the night's events she wanted to be messing with spells but she was curious as to what Spike had in mind. Hopefully it wasn't some kind of sex spell but her intuition was telling her this was something else. Buffy picked up the two stones and did as instructed, tapping them two times.  
  
"Speak," she commanded. Nothing happened. "Speak," she said it again.  
  
"My goodness Buffy, you always were so impatient," Buffy heard her mother's voice finally respond.  
  
Buffy almost jumped out of her seat. "Mommy?" she squeaked.  
  
"Yes, it's me Buffy. There isn't much time but I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and let you know I'm alright. I'm at peace. Please don't feel bad about me having to leave you. It was my time to go. I'm not sad about dying, I just wish I'd had more time with you girls," Joyce Summers' disembodied voice explained.  
  
"Is that really you Mom?" Buffy asked still in shock. "I miss you so much."  
  
"I know you do," Joyce acknowledged. "That's why it's so important for you and Dawn to stick together. You girls are the most important things I did with my life and I know this is hard on the two of you, so that's why you have to help each other. You and Dawn are the best parts of me. Through you a little bit of me is still alive. I know you feel you have to take care of Dawn but let her take care of you too Buffy. Don't try and take on the world by yourself. Let her in. You're so strong and independent but allow your sister to love you and it will make you both stronger. She needs to love you as much as you need to be loved. That's the only way the pain will heal. Let yourself be loved." With those last words Joyce's voice faded out and the gems both turned to grey, their energy exhausted. Buffy stared down at the spent stones lying on the table unsure if she had imagined what just transpired.  
  
Buffy found herself outside her sister's bedroom door. "Dawn, can I come in?" Buffy called out to her through the closed door.  
  
"Why not," Dawn pouted. "It's not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon."  
  
Buffy sat down on the edge of the bed, "Dawn, I know I can't be everything Mom was to you." Buffy was on the verge of tears, "But I love you and I don't want you to do things like stealing. If you do they'll take you away from me and I couldn't bear for that to happen."  
  
"Come on Buffy. Wouldn't your life be a whole lot simpler if I wasn't around?" Dawn was starting to get upset. "You wouldn't have all these money worries; you could live your own life. You're only 21. You should be having fun instead of trying to be a mother to me all the time." Dawn was dead serious. "If I wasn't around you could have a real life."  
  
"If you weren't around my life wouldn't be worth living," Buffy said through tears. "You are my life. You're not just my sister. You're me, you're Mom, you're everything I care about that's good. By being with you and loving you I'm loving Mom and loving myself." Buffy paused. "You're what my life would have been if I wasn't a Slayer and I need to have that because I never had that for myself. When you're happy, I'm happy, when you're sad, I'm sad. You're the most important thing in the world to me. I need you in my life."  
  
"I need you in my life too Buffy. I'm sorry. Please don't ever go away again," Dawn gave her sister a big hug.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere," Buffy hugged her sister back. "But Dawn, you have to accept that sometimes people have to go away. That's life. But if they love you, they always come back to you, somehow."  
  
Suddenly there was a loud knock at the door.  
  
"Who could that be?" Buffy asked.  
  
Buffy got up and walked downstairs to the door. Opening it she was struck speechless at the sight of Riley Finn standing there.  
  
TBC 


	3. The Monkey's Paw

TITLE: To Live Again  
  
PAIRING: B/S, X/A, W/T  
  
RATING: G  
  
SPOILERS: Up to "Older and Far Away" but my version of it. This fanfic skips "As You Were" and "Hell's Bells" and picks up after them.  
  
DISCLAIMER: The characters within this fanfic are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I just borrowed them to take them out for a little spin.  
  
DISTRIBUTION: Feel free to share. Just please let me know first.  
  
FEEDBACK: Please send to elizard100@yahoo.ca  
  
Please Note: If you haven't read the previous two installments of this fanfic you can still start here as they finish at the end of "Older and Far Away". If you want to read them after reading this please email me and I will send them to you. They are an AU version of "Older and Far Away" and the events leading up to it.  
  
  
  
It is now one month since Buffy had ended things with Spike, since Riley had returned and since Buffy had decided to turn her life around. In the weeks that had followed Xander and Anya's wedding had erupted in disaster. Xander, giving in to his deepest fears, had left Anya at the altar. Since then the two haven't spoken and Anya has moved her things out of their apartment. Willow and Tara are on the road to recovery, but that road is slow and laden with pitfalls. The three friends support each other in their misery and offer comfort, as only another suffering soul could understand.  
  
* * *  
  
The sun attempted to peek through the windows of the Magic Box but the blinds were shut tightly defying the intrusion. A few scattered customers browsed about the place while the lonely shopkeeper tended to the sale of goods. Anya punched in the numbers on the cash register automatically. As the total rang in she handed the change back to the woman waiting patiently. Turning to greet the next customer she found herself face to face with Willow.  
  
"What do *you* want?" she asked scornfully.  
  
"I just came by to see how you're doing Anya," Willow fidgeted, playing with some objects on the counter. "Xander's a wreck. I wish you'd at least talk to him."  
  
"I don't have anything to say to him," Anya responded crossly. "He let me down and made a mockery of everything we've had together. I don't think I could ever trust him again."  
  
"Could you at least try? He didn't mean to hurt you," Willow tried to explain. "He just goofed up. That doesn't change how he feels about you. Or how you feel about him for that matter. Please Anya, just talk to him."  
  
Anya looked down as though considering the suggestion.  
  
"Excuse me, miss?" A woman in a green hat interrupted. "Do you have any monkey paws?"  
  
Anya looked up abruptly immediately shifting into shopkeeper mode. "I'm sorry, but we don't carry those anymore. We had too many returns. But I know we have a nice mummy hand over on the discount table," Anya pointed to a table where a bound hand was writhing around next to a dented crystal ball amid various other marked down items.  
  
Turning back to Willow Anya looked tired and drawn, "I'm sorry but I have customers to deal with. You should go now Willow."  
  
"What about Xander?" Willow pleaded with her eyes.  
  
"I don't know Willow," Anya said then added resolutely. "He's not the person I thought I was marrying.  
  
* * *  
  
That evening Buffy, Willow and Xander sat in Buffy's living room eating popcorn and watching a movie while a blinding rainstorm raged outside.  
  
"I saw Anya today. Maybe you should try giving her a call again," Willow suggested.  
  
"It's no use. She just keeps hanging up on me," Xander explained.  
  
"What would you say to her?" Buffy asked. "What *could* you say to her?"  
  
Xander just sat there blankly. "I don't know," he finally answered after a long pause.  
  
"We're a pretty sorry bunch, aren't we?" Buffy decided.  
  
"Doomed to die alone on the Hellmouth," Xander summed up half seriously.  
  
The two women just nodded silently.  
  
"How goes the job search?" Willow asked encouragingly. "Any leads?"  
  
"Nope," Xander sullenly replied. "Buffy and I are both out of work. But at least it gives us more free time to mope."  
  
* * *  
  
Spike tossed and turned in his sleep. He hadn't been able to rest comfortably since being forced to move aboveground following the partial destruction of his crypt. More than that Spike was plagued with troubled dreams of Buffy. Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was crazy he decided. Loving Buffy and losing her through his own idiocy was worse torment than he had ever felt back when he believed she could never be his. Now everything reminded him of her and yet because he loved her he had to stay away. She had even taken the precaution of having Tara put up the barrier spell on her house again. He didn't know this from firsthand experience however Tara had dropped by a few days afterwards to let him know. Buffy had her tell him she didn't want to see him or talk to him. He was to stay out of her life completely. This was hell. The few moments he had had with her at Xander's disaster of a wedding had proven to him that she still cared but in many ways it was worse than her not caring any more. At least then he could try to win her favour back again. This way there was nothing he could do to make her come back to him except sheer hope and even that was fading fast.  
  
A rustling sound in his crypt drew his attention. Rats sometimes got in, searching for food or a place to nest. "Good company for me," Spike thought to himself.  
  
"Spike," a woman's voice whispered close to his head.  
  
Spike leapt out from under his covers. Holding up a candle he was dismayed to find it was Halfrek, back again.  
  
"Oh," he sighed. "It's just you. What do you want?"  
  
"Were you expecting someone else?" she taunted. "Buffy perhaps? Oh, but I think not."  
  
Spike flinched at her name. "She'll come around. She just needs a little time to see what she really wants," he attempted to sound sure of himself. "Then she'll be knocking on my door."  
  
"I hope she doesn't knock too hard," Halfrek pointed out. "This place looks like it's about to topple over." Halfrek strolled about the crypt kicking bits of wreckage with her foot. "You know she'll never come back to you like this. She won't allow herself to. Simply put, you're not going to get her back. I hope you can see this."  
  
"You're just talking bollocks," Spike sneered at her.  
  
Halfrek was unmoved by his outburst. "She can never truly love you. To her you are nothing more than an evil vampire. Now that she has found the strength to overcome her desire for you it will get easier for her to resist you until one day she will have gotten over you completely and she will find someone she *can* accept. She wants a normal life and that's something you can never give her."  
  
Halfrek had been speaking to Spike as though to a child and his jealous streak was building. "I'll rip the heart out of any fool she thought she could replace me with," he snarled.  
  
"But you can't do that either," Halfrek reminded him pointing to her head. "Your chip won't let you. All you have left are memories of a ruined romance that she is ashamed ever happened in the first place."  
  
Spike broke down at the thought of it, "She's all I ever think of. She's in my blood, my mind, and my dreams. I don't breathe and yet I'm choking on her in every waking moment and every minute that I'm asleep. I have no reprieve. She won't leave me in peace. I can't take it any more."  
  
Leaning in close to him Halfrek asked seriously, "What do you want?"  
  
He stared at her in disbelief realizing what she was offering.  
  
"She's obliterated everything that is you Spike. Everything that made you who you are is gone. The bloodlust, the power, the glory. She stole it all away from you. Even that chip in your head is because of her. If it were gone you could go back to being yourself again. The real Spike would have killed her long ago and would be wearing her guts for garters. Now, even though you could hurt her you won't. You've been reduced to being the Slayer's abandoned lapdog," Halfrek egged him on.  
  
Spike pushed Halfrek away from him forcefully trying to shut out the hurtful things she was saying.  
  
"She's killing you Spike. If you weren't dead before you sure as hell are now," Halfrek spurted. "Whatever you want I have the power to give you. You've earned it. Now tell me what you want."  
  
"I want…." Spike paused. "I feel empty and dead without her. I just want to feel alive again."  
  
Halfrek gave him an evil grin. "Done," she pronounced and then promptly disappeared her laughter ringing off the walls.  
  
"Well I don't feel any different," Spike yelled into the air. "Bloody woman. Just yanking my chain like she always did."  
  
* * *  
  
Xander wandered into the Bronze alone sitting down at the bar. At a table just a little ways away Spike sat nursing a beer already three sheets to the wind.  
  
"Well if it isn't Xander," Spike called out. "Got your running shoes on tonight boy?"  
  
Xander looked over at the blond ready to hurl an insult but something stopped him. Maybe it was the fact that he felt he deserved to be insulted by the likes of Spike after what he had done to Anya or maybe it was the fact that he knew Spike was hurting too.  
  
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." Spike apologized seeing how badly Xander was feeling. "Come join me. I'll even buy you a beer."  
  
Xander moved over to the seat next to Spike. "You're buying me a beer?" he asked incredulously.  
  
"Sure," Spike slurred. "You look like you could use a friend. I might do in a pinch."  
  
"Will wonders never cease to amaze," Xander chortled then turned suspicious. "Hey, wait a minute. Are you planning to get me drunk so I'll talk to you about Buffy? Because if that's what you're doing it won't work."  
  
"The thought had crossed my mind," Spike admitted. "However that wasn't my sole intention. But since *you* brought her up, how is she doing?"  
  
"Well, since you asked, she's getting by," Xander conceded. "But the whole no job thing is a bit of a bummer right now. Her mortgage payment is due next Monday and without an income she's hitting rock bottom. She has no idea how she's going to pay it."  
  
"That's tough luck," Spike agreed. "I would have liked to help out but my plans sort of fell through."  
  
"Oh yeah, that's right," Xander nodded in understanding. "Doctor Spike's free range Svolte Egg Farm. There's one of the alltime worst ideas ever. Those babies would have made one hell of an omelet from what Buffy told me about them. What, were you nuts taking on something as dangerous as that?"  
  
"I was desperate," Spike explained. "I knew the silly bint would kill herself working at that burger place before she'd ever consider asking anyone for money. I figured with this one scheme I could get enough cash together to last her until she got back on her feet again."  
  
"That's why you were doing that?" Xander was shocked at the selflessness of the act. "Does Buffy know?"  
  
"I doubt it," Spike answered sadly. "Even if she did it wouldn't change how she feels about me. But I would have helped her anyway. God I could use a smoke. I'm right out and the bar doesn't carry any. Life just keeps getting worse and worse."  
  
The two men commiserated as they continued their drinking, finally staggering out into the night after closing time. They managed to find an after hours bar that was willing to serve them despite their inebriated state and so they continued until the wee hours.  
  
"And another thing," Xander said, more into his glass of beer than to his drinking companion. "What was I saying again?"  
  
"I don't know," Spike chuckled. "I wasn't actually listening."  
  
Xander propped his head up on the edge of the bar grinning idiotically, "Neither was I."  
  
"Oh bugger, we should get going," Spike observed the clock on the wall. "The sun's going to be up soon and I reckon with all this alcohol in my system I'm somewhat more flammable than usual."  
  
"Right-i-o Spike-a-rino," Xander giggled staggering towards the door.  
  
As they exited, the two helped keep each other from falling down despite the fact that both were extremely unsteady on their feet.  
  
Passing by a flower shop Xander stopped and gazed into the window. "Anya and I got our flowers from this shop," he sobbed. "She won't even talk to me Spike. She won't let me say how sorry I am. We should have been just getting back from our honeymoon tomorrow and it's all ruined now. I've hurt the last person in the world that I ever wanted to hurt."  
  
"I know," Spike comforted Xander. "You've made a right mess of everything but you'll make it up to her and she'll forgive you. That's what always happens for you goody-goodies."  
  
"Do you really think so Spike?" Xander asked starting to believe it himself. "Do you think I'll ever get her back?"  
  
"It's not impossible," Spike admitted. "Just don't make any more great bleeding mistakes like the last one."  
  
Xander put his arms around Spike. "You know Spike," he slurred. "For a vampire you're an alright guy." Leaning towards him Xander threw them both off balance knocking them onto the ground. Trapped under the drunken Xander Spike was having trouble extricating himself due to his own drunken state. Finally he just settled for slumping down against a mailbox with Xander passed out at his side. Soon Spike was unconscious as well.  
  
The first few rays of light began to creep into the edges of town, slowly washing away the darkness. Sunnydale was starting to come alive. Early morning people lined up outside the bakery for fresh bagels, an elderly couple walked their dog, pausing to look down at the two men passed out on the sidewalk so brazenly and the truck delivering the Sunnydale daily newspaper tossed a heavy bundle of papers beside the sleeping pair. Xander lifted his head groggily while Spike slumbered on undisturbed. With the first bright rays of light in his eyes Xander shielded them from the brightness and turned to survey his location. Upon spying Spike stretched out beside him Xander shook his head awake, then upon realizing the imminent danger to the vampire he threw himself over Spike to shield him from the sun's deadly rays.  
  
"Spike," he cried out in an attempt to wake the sleeping vamp.  
  
"Buffy?" the blond man called out in his sleep. "Is that you luv?"  
  
Spike smiled and opened his eyes to the disappointment that it was in fact Xander who was stretched across his torso.  
  
"Spike," he cried out. "The sun. We've got to get you out of the sun."  
  
Spike leapt up in alarm, sobered by the situation. Still a little dazed he stumbled around not sure where to go. Seeing that they were near to the Magic Box he ran towards the door, Xander on his heels. Fumbling at the door handle he realized that the shop wasn't open yet.  
  
"I can't get it open," he turned with desperation towards Xander. "Have you got a key?"  
  
"Just break it," Xander ordered, covering his own hand with his sleeve and breaking the pane of glass. Reaching in for the lock he paused and actually looked at Spike for the first time since waking up. "Hey, wait a minute. You're not on fire," he observed. "You're not even smoking a little bit."  
  
Spike felt himself and looked at Xander in utter amazement. "What the bloody hell?" he queried aloud.  
  
"Just what do you think you're doing?" another surprised voice announced itself as Anya approached the store to find the window broken and Xander and Spike the obvious perpetrators of the deed.  
  
* * *  
  
Buffy sat across from the Xander at the table in the Magic Box and stared into space, not sure what to believe. Spike alive? Human? But how? Spike was taking full advantage of his new status to stand in the doorway of the shop letting the sun beam down on him. Buffy felt uncomfortable seeing him like this but knew that she might be needed and couldn't let him down after everything they'd been through together.  
  
"It's so warm," Spike marveled staring up at the sun basking in it's glow. "Warm is good. I didn't remember it being so pleasant."  
  
Willow finally arrived, having brought morning coffee for everyone. She placed it on the table where the others happily scooped it up. "So what's the poop?" she asked.  
  
Spike tore himself away from the doorway to avail himself of the hot beverage.  
  
"I have no idea what the poop is," Buffy responded a little out of it. "Or even if there is any poop to speak of. I'm poop-free. Actually can we call it something else please?"  
  
"Sure," Willow agreed. "Let's try to figure this out. So Spike, how long have you felt unflamey and all?"  
  
"I don't rightly know," the ex-vampire responded taking a sip of his coffee and burning his lip slightly. "The thing is I haven't felt any differently lately. I'm still eating the same food, drinking the same blood. Nothing different."  
  
"How have you been sleeping?" Willow inquired. "Any weird dreams?"  
  
Spike looked uncomfortably in Buffy's direction. "Just the same dreams that I've been having for the last month or so. Nothing earth shattering."  
  
"How about any unusual interactions with anyone different? Have you met anyone new lately?" Willow tried to phrase this last bit as delicately as possible considering the circumstances.  
  
"For the last few weeks I've been pretty much sticking close to home trying to clear out the wreckage," Spike admitted. "The only person I've really spoken with has been that demon friend of Anya's Halfrek."  
  
"Halfrek?" Anya stepped up to join the group, puzzled. "What were you doing with her?"  
  
"Well, I wasn't going to say anything about it but back when I was human, she and I knew each other," Spike explained. "She was called Cecily back then. She came by to talk to me the other day."  
  
"Halfrek was Cecily?" Buffy spoke to Spike for the first time. "Are you sure?"  
  
Happy to be able to speak with Buffy Spike nodded his head yes. "She's been coming by to see me every couple of weeks since I first saw her around the time of your birthday party. She's got a nasty sense of humour that one. She comes by teasing me and taunting me about…" Spike paused uncomfortably, "Things that really aren't any of her concern. She offered me a wish but didn't really mean it. She was just tormenting me to make me want something only to take it away from me."  
  
"You made a wish?" Anya demanded. "What did you wish for? Tell us Spike."  
  
"Well, that's kind of personal," he stalled. "I don't think I want to share that with all of you."  
  
"Spill it Spike," Buffy ordered, the concern showing in her voice. "What did you wish for?"  
  
"It doesn't matter anyway because it didn't' work. I just said…. I said….oh god." Realization came over him at the irony of the situation. "It did work. But this isn't what I meant," he realized. "That bloody woman."  
  
"You didn't answer the question Spike," Buffy asked more insistently. "What did you wish for?"  
  
Spike looked into her eyes and repeated the words that had caused him to be in his present state, "I said "I want to feel alive again."  
  
Buffy gulped realizing the cause for such a sentiment to be expressed and what her role in that wish would have been.  
  
"Halfrek," Anya called out summoning the vengeance demon once again. "Halfrek come here right now."  
  
The figure of Halfrek appeared beside Anya. "You called Anyanka?" the demon smiled sweetly.  
  
"What did you do to Spike?" she demanded. "He's human now."  
  
"No he's not," Halfrek disagreed.  
  
"Yes he is," Buffy stepped forward. "He can go out into the sunlight and not turn into ashes. If he's not human, then what is he?"  
  
"He's alive," Halfrek explained.  
  
"What's the diff?" Buffy was starting to get annoyed.  
  
"Well, first of all, Spike didn't wish to be human," Halfrek pointed out. "He merely said he wanted to feel alive. Spike is now a living vampire. He is no longer subject to the vampire limitations that the living don't suffer from. He can go out into the sunlight, crosses and holy water won't harm him and he now has a reflection in mirrors. However since he is living now he will age and he needs nourishment and other physical necessities that humans rely on. He will be subject to these human weaknesses. He can take his nourishment in either the form of food or the form of blood. Regular food intake will be necessary to sustain his human qualities but blood will feed his vampire strengths. He needs both to survive now. He will need to subsist on human food for daily living but when he wants to bring out his vampire qualities like strength or heightened senses he will need blood to enhance those qualities."  
  
"So he's kind of like Popeye," Xander observed. "Except instead of spinach he needs blood to make him stronger. What a frightening picture."  
  
"You're telling me," Spike agreed. "I always hated spinach."  
  
"This is incredible," Buffy was obviously moved by this news. "But what is he? Is he a human with vampire qualities or a vampire with human qualities? Does he have a soul now?"  
  
"I can't answer that question for you Buffy. You have to come to that conclusion on your own," Halfrek responded mysteriously.  
  
Buffy sat there stunned pondering the consequences of this new turn of events.  
  
Halfrek turned to Anya, "As pleasant as this is I'm afraid I can't stay. Anyanka, remember, my offer still stands. Give me a chant if you change your mind."  
  
Halfrek gave Xander a disapproving look and then with a huff vanished.  
  
"What was that all about Anya?" Xander demanded. "Did she offer to help you have vengeance on me? Is that it?"  
  
"I don't want to discuss this with you Xander Harris," Anya was furious. "Not after what you did to me." Finally Anya was letting Xander know the full force of her fury.  
  
"Anya," Xander pleaded. "Let me explain. There was this guy there and …."  
  
"I know all about that," Anya interrupted. "But that's still no excuse to just leave and not even tell me. I thought you respected me but obviously that was another thing you weren't sure about."  
  
The others started backing away letting Xander and Anya hash this out between themselves.  
  
"I'm not proud of what I did," Xander took a step towards Anya, defending himself. "But I still think it was the right thing to do. We were pushing too hard. By rushing everything we put a strain on our relationship. We were getting into things we weren't ready for yet. If we'd gotten married like we'd planned I don't know if things would have worked out for us. I don't know if I was really ready to get married."  
  
He had hurt Anya's feelings. "I think you should leave," she suggested.  
  
Xander looked downcast as he turned to exit the store. "I just want you to know that the reason I left wasn't because I didn't love you Anya. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone and I still do. Hurting you was the last thing in the world I wanted. I'm so very sorry that I hurt you. I'll leave you alone now."  
  
"Of course," Anya paused momentarily, obviously touched. "The damage to the window will need to be fixed. You'll have to come back to make the repairs."  
  
Xander lifted his head at the words.  
  
"Come back after store closing tonight," Anya finished. "We can talk more then."  
  
Xander left the store with a glimmer of hope shining in his eyes.  
  
Buffy turned to face Spike, "So, what about you?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Spike was confused as to her meaning.  
  
Buffy was getting down to brass tacks now, "I mean, what are you going to do? Where are you going to live, how are you going to survive now that you have these human needs?"  
  
Spike seemed nonplussed, "I don't really see any downside to this. Just benefits. The way I see it I've got the best of both worlds. I've still got my vamp strength and special abilities but I can go in the sunlight again. I'm a supervamp."  
  
"But Spike," Buffy pointed out. "You're not just a vampire anymore. You're partly human too. Halfrek said that you were subject to human vulnerabilities. Don't forget that."  
  
"Oh, I'm pretty tough," Spike grinned giddily. "I think I can handle myself and on that happy note I'm off to explore the world. Catch you lot later."  
  
Spike grabbed his coffee and left. Walking down the streets of the daylit Sunnydale he was amazed at how many people were around. There were never this many people at night. He was a little overwhelmed by the vast numbers on the crowded sidewalks. Passing by a storefront he caught a glimpse of a familiar face, his own. Spike hadn't seen his reflection in over a hundred years. Every line, every subtle nuance was fascinating to him. A couple of teenage girls on their way to school giggled at him as they walked past. Realizing the spectacle he was making of himself Spike came up with a better idea. Finding a men's clothing store he grabbed a few shirts off the rack and headed for a dressing room. Removing all of his clothes he stood in front of the mirror and studied his form. While a vampire he had been able to see his body but never all at once and never from all angles. He was more muscular than when he had been human. He took advantage of the opportunity to flex and bend and inspect every aspect of this body he inhabited but was really a stranger to. A man's voice from outside the change room issued a polite cough and then inquired, "Is there anything you need help with sir? You've been in there for quite a while."  
  
"No, I think I'm going to be ok," Spike responded still admiring the muscles in his back and his taut stomach muscles. Then on a second thought he opened the door and hauled the salesman into the change room. "How do I look to you?" the naked blond man demanded. "Do I look like a regular man? More handsome and in better shape of course but generally speaking how do I look?"  
  
The salesman looked at the untouched shirts still on their hangers and the naked man posing in front of the mirror in front of him. "You look fine sir," he responded uncomfortably.  
  
"That's what I thought," Spike grinned hugging the startled man. "That's what I thought."  
  
Leaving the shop after making the salesman call in the store manager for a second opinion Spike continued on his way. As he stood staring at his reflection in yet another store window an uncomfortable sensation arose in his stomach that he identified as hunger. Returning to his crypt he removed a package of pig's blood out of the refrigerator and poured it into a mug. He downed it in almost one gulp he was so hungry. Wiping his mouth he found he felt stronger, harder, but all of the hunger hadn't gone away. Some part of him was sated but the gnawing that was deep down inside remained. Spike found he had the most incredible craving for fried eggs and sausage. "What the hell," he thought. "A little brekkie to celebrate my new life."  
  
Stepping out into the sunlight again Spike felt the sun beating down on him mercilessly. His body was getting too warm, almost uncomfortable. Stepping into the shadows the heat abated. Testing a theory Spike stepped into the sun again but found that with exposure the discomfort turned into a burning sensation. Not bursting into flames but not good none the less.  
  
"Damn," he cursed. "The blood I drank must have brought out my vampire. I'll have to wait until it gets darker or I can get some food into my stomach to balance it out."  
  
Trapped in his crypt all afternoon Spike paced impatiently yearning to go out and explore this new world that had presented itself to him. His stomach growled mercilessly and he wished he had had the foresight to install a telephone so at the least he could order a pizza. Although he wasn't sure if they'd deliver one to a cemetery he mused, sinking into an exhausted sleep in his red chair.  
  
Around 3pm a knock on the door of his crypt startled him out of his sleep. "Who's there?" he called out.  
  
"It's just me," a familiar voice replied. Dawn's head poked around the edge of the door. "I just came by to see how you're doing. Buffy told me what happened to you. This is so cool." Dawn entered the crypt and sat down on the arm of his chair.  
  
"Yeah," Spike agreed. "It's just going to take a little getting used to."  
  
"Why are you staying inside? It's still light out. I thought you'd be trying to catch some rays," Dawn asked.  
  
"Well, it's like this," Spike began. "I've discovered that I need to balance out these two sides in me now. In order to bring out the human side I have to feed it to make it stronger. Unfortunately I only have blood in the fridge which made the vamp side stronger. So I have to wait for it to get dark before I can go out now."  
  
Dawn had a ready solution. "So just eat some food. Here, I've got some of my lunch left over. You can have it." She rummaged through her knapsack and removed a half sandwich and an orange.  
  
Spike dove on the food like a starving man, which he was. Greedily wolfing down the sandwich he started on the orange. "I haven't eaten an orange since, well I can't remember the last time I had one. They're bloody good. Like little balls of sunshine but all juicy inside."  
  
Dawn just watched him eat amazed at his fascination with food.  
  
Spike felt the hunger in his stomach abate.  
  
"Do you feel like you can go outdoors now?" Dawn asked. "Let's go for a walk. We can stop at my house and get you something more to eat."  
  
"What about Buffy?" Spike tendered.  
  
"She won't be around," Dawn reassured him. "There's some new demon in town that she's hunting. She won't be back until late. Willow and Tara are going to a movie tonight so I'll be all on my own. You can keep me company."  
  
"There's a new demon in town," Spike was suddenly concerned. "I didn't know about that but then I haven't been very sociable lately. Is she ok going after this one by herself?"  
  
"Oh yeah," Dawn affirmed. "No big. She said it's just your basic demon type intent on a little damage. No ulterior plans of world destruction in the works."  
  
"Well, let's see then if this little bit of "Little Bit's" food has done the trick," Spike suggested.  
  
Spike stood up and walked over to the door. Stepping outside he was pleasantly surprised to find that the burning sensation had disappeared to be replaced by a warm glow brought on by exposure to the sunshine. Shielding his eyes he set off towards the Summers' house.  
  
"You're going to love going to the beach Spike," Dawn began excitedly, following along at his side. "I bet you'd look hot with a tan."  
  
* * *  
  
"This is for the phone bill," Buffy pummeled into the Greilarkhh demon in front of her. "And this one if for the water bill," she continued. In a last ditch effort it swung it's powerful arm at her sending her reeling back into a tombstone. "Oh, you wanna play rough do you? Well how's this for rough?" Buffy came back at the demon kicking it square in the face. Picking up her fallen sword Buffy plunged it into the demon's chest causing it to emit a death scream and fall dead to the ground. "That's for the mortgage payment." With that thought in her mind she kept stabbing at the demon where it had fallen, frantically trying to work through some unrelated issue.  
  
"Uh, Buffy," Willow timidly called out from her hiding spot. "I think you've killed it enough. Why don't we go home now."  
  
Buffy ceased her assault on the now empty ground. "I don't want to go home. I want to kill something else. Why can't life be as simple as killing demons?" the dejected Slayer pondered as she and her redheaded friend walked away from the cemetery.  
  
* * *  
  
"So Anya," Xander broke the uncomfortable silence as he finished replacing the pane of glass. "Do you think we could get together for a coffee sometime and talk?"  
  
"I've been giving this a lot of thought Xander," Anya responded hesitantly. "How do I know you'll be any different? Things were starting to go wrong before the wedding. I've come to the conclusion that you had the right idea about us not getting married after all. I still don't agree with how you did it but perhaps you made the right decision. Maybe we're not two people who should be together. I do love you and I know you love me but I'm not sure if we can be happy together. I need someone who can accept me for who and what I am. There will always be a part of you that can't fully deal with the fact that I used to be a demon."  
  
"Anya," Xander jumped to his defense. "Don't talk like that. I admit I don't love the fact that you used to be a demon but I do love you. I'm willing to work to overcome my issues for you."  
  
"Don't do me any favours Xander Harris," Anya angrily retorted. "If you can't accept that the world isn't just black and white then you can't accept me. You coming here tonight was a mistake. I think you should leave."  
  
"But Anya…..," Xander began.  
  
"Just go Xander," Anya interrupted with real pain in her voice, turning away from him.  
  
Xander left The Magic Box without looking back at Anya.  
  
* * *  
  
"Mmmm," Spike's senses were reeling euphorically. "What's in these? They're bloody amazing. I've never had food like this before."  
  
Dawn beamed at Spike's enjoyment of the little picnic she had spread out for him on the kitchen table. "Those are chocolate macadamia nut cookies. They're Buffy's favourites too."  
  
"Oh, maybe I shouldn't be eating all of them," Spike felt guilty all of a sudden.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Dawn reassured him. "She hasn't had much of an appetite lately. She won't even notice if they're gone. Here, try another peanut butter and jelly sandwich."  
  
Spike dug into the sticky mess with fervor; greedily sucking the drops of sweet jam off his fingers after it was finished. "Oh god that was amazing," he restated.  
  
"Glad to see you're enjoying yourself," Buffy observed from the open doorway. "Dawn, can I talk to you for a minute?" Pulling her younger sister into the living room Buffy tore into her. "What are you doing bringing him here? I thought I told you I didn't want to see him anymore and here you go feeding him what little food we have in the house."  
  
"But Buffy, I didn't think…" Dawn stammered.  
  
"You sure didn't. Tell him he's got to leave and don't bring him around here anymore. I don't want to encourage him. If you keep feeding him he'll want to hang around all the time." Buffy turned in a huff and went upstairs.  
  
When Dawn returned to the kitchen Spike had begun clearing up their picnic. "Sorry to have gotten you into trouble," Spike apologized. "I'll just get going." The pain was evident in his voice over Buffy's reaction. If he hadn't been so full of cookies and jam his dormant vampire hearing would have detected Buffy's heart wrenching sobs coming from the back bedroom.  
  
This last month had been incredibly difficult for Buffy. She had been morose, cranky and generally irritable. She had snapped at Dawn on more than one occasion when it hadn't been merited. Money problems weren't the sole cause of her unhappiness. She longed for things to get easy again, to lose herself in Spike's embrace and shut out the rest of the world. She had known that staying away from him would be a double-edged sword. She would be losing not only her escape from the things that pained her and by not having him in her life she was adding to those things that made her unhappy. But it had been the right thing to do.  
  
Unfortunately after running off from the Doublemeat Palace she hadn't been able to find another job. Not even one in fast food. The money that Giles had given her had almost run out and she was at wit's end. She had tried more than once to contact her father but the number in Spain where he had been for the last few months was out of order and she didn't know how to reach him. One night she had come home to find a message on the answering machine from him telling her that he'd call again the next night. She had stayed in all evening but he hadn't called back. Not that night or the next or the one after that.  
  
Since that night Buffy had realized that she couldn't wait for her father to save her. Nor Giles either. And she couldn't avoid her problems by hiding from them with Spike. The main thing she had learned from her life as a Slayer was that she was the only thing she could truly rely on.  
  
* * *  
  
"Hey Harris," a man's voice called out after Xander as he exited The Magic Box.  
  
Xander looked around to see Jimmy, the owner of the bakery just down the street from the Magic Box. "What's up Jimmy?" Xander responded amiably.  
  
"I know you do construction but do you ever do any work on the side?" Jimmy asked.  
  
"Yeah, I could," Xander answered. "My company closed down a couple of weeks ago so I'm kind of between jobs right now. What did you have in mind?"  
  
Jimmy put his arm around Xander's shoulder. "My wife wants to redo our kitchen. Put in new cabinets and an island for gosh sakes. I can't do all that and the quotes I'm getting from some of the bigger places in town are out of this world. Think you could come by and have a look."  
  
"Sure," Xander leapt at the chance for a bit of cash. "I think we could work something out."  
  
"Come by my house tonight for supper and we can talk it over. Here's my address," Jimmy handed Xander a piece of paper. "Why don't you bring Anya," Jimmy suggested.  
  
"Um, we're kind of not together anymore," Xander explained sadly.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Jimmy replied, a little uncomfortable about having stuck his foot in his mouth. "I didn't know. She's been keeping to herself since the wedding so I just figured you guys had been busy. Well, you come by yourself then. My wife is a great cook. We'll see you tonight about 6:30 then?"  
  
Xander nodded his assent and got in his car.  
  
  
  
To Be Continued. 


	4. Beginnings

TITLE: To Live Again  
  
PAIRING: B/S, X/A, W/T  
  
RATING: G  
  
SPOILERS: Up to "Older and Far Away" but my version of it. This fanfic skips "As You Were" and "Hell's Bells" and picks up after them.  
  
DISCLAIMER: The characters within this fanfic are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I just borrowed them to take them out for a little spin.  
  
DISTRIBUTION: Feel free to share. Just please let me know first.  
  
FEEDBACK: Please send to elizard100@yahoo.ca  
  
  
  
  
  
One week later Xander was finishing the remodeling job for Jimmy.  
  
Jimmy and his wife came in the kitchen just as Xander was moving the refrigerator back into place. "I can't get over how different this looks," Jimmy's wife Carol gushed. "It's exactly as I pictured it. You know I've got a couple of friends who've been talking about doing the same thing. Would you mind if I gave them your number?"  
  
Jimmy handed Xander his cheque. Looking down at the amount Xander smiled up at Carol, "No, not in the slightest."  
  
Later that night Xander decided to celebrate his new source of income by treating himself to a night out at the Bronze with friends. Buffy was still down in the dumps about money matters but Willow was in a good mood. She and Tara had been out a couple of times in recent weeks and things were looking up for the couple.  
  
"I'm really glad you and Tara are working things out," Xander smiled at Willow. "At least one of us is getting their life back."  
  
Willow frowned, "Once Anya's cooled down she'll realize what you two had together Xander. I know she will. Noone could ever replace you in her heart." Willow looked off over Xander's shoulder. "Not even some tall good looking guy who's flashing around lots of cash."  
  
Xander spun around to see Anya sitting at a table with a tall dark haired man. She was laughing at a joke he had just made. The man had his overstuffed wallet out to pay for their drinks. He handed the waitress a $20 dollar bill and told her to keep the change.  
  
"The nerve of him," Xander was furious. "Showing off like that. Who does he think he is?"  
  
"Anya's date," Buffy suggested. "Sorry Xander but maybe it's time for you both to move on."  
  
"Like you have?" Xander responded sarcastically. "I don't see you entering the wide world of dating."  
  
Buffy pursed her lips in discomfort. "Well, I'm just taking my time. I don't want to make another mistake like I did last time. Besides I have bigger priorities than dating. I just barely made my mortgage payment last month. I really need to find a job and soon."  
  
"You'll find something Buffy," Willow encouraged. "Any luck tracking down your Dad?"  
  
"I talked to him yesterday," Buffy revealed. "He said he has some ideas about how I can get some cash but he was asking me how much Mom had paid off on the house. I think he wants me to sell it. I really don't want to do that. That house is all I have left of my Mom. Everywhere I look I see her face. So much has happened there. It would kill me to have to sell it."  
  
"Don't worry Buffy," Xander comforted, the previous sarcasm forgotten. "We'll figure something out. Oh and I have good news. Jimmy and Carol introduced me to a couple of their friends and I've got two new contracting jobs lined up for the next month."  
  
Willow beamed, "That's great Xander. You're financially solvent again."  
  
"Just barely. I could do a couple of more jobs if I had someone to help me. What do you say Buffy? Do you feel like getting back into the world of construction?" Xander was half-serious. "The money's not great right now but it's better than nothing."  
  
"I don't know Xander," she hesitated. "I'm definitely strength girl but I'm not really tool girl. I wouldn't want to screw up your projects. As much as I need the cash I don't think this is something I could do. I can't let my patheticness infringe on your new source of revenue."  
  
"Are you sure?" Xander asked concerned. "You know I'd do anything I could to help you out."  
  
"Thanks Xander," Buffy smiled wryly. "But this isn't it. You need to do this for yourself. Don't you think Xander? Xander?"  
  
Xander was distracted by the sight of Anya and her date going up to dance.  
  
"Where did that guy learn to dance?" he criticized. "Does he really dare to call that dancing?"  
  
They watched Anya and her date dance to a few songs before heading back to their table.  
  
Xander sat and stared at the couple. Finally he had had enough. " I can't stick around here any longer. Good night guys."  
  
Xander got up and before leaving walked over to Anya's table.  
  
"Hi Anya," Xander greeted his former fiancee. "Who's your friend?"  
  
Anya looked up fully aware that Xander had been watching them from across the room all evening. "This is Jerry. Jerry this is Xander, my ex-fiance. Jerry owns his own business near The Magic Box. He just graduated from Harvard last year and he already owns his own business. Can you imagine where he'll be ten years from now?"  
  
"Listen Anya," Xander interrupted Anya's appreciation of Jerry. "I've got some things of yours back at the apartment. Do you think you could drop by some time and pick them up? I'm trying to clear up some of the clutter." That last remark was intended to sting and it hit home.  
  
"If you're in that much of a rush I can come over right now. We weren't planning to stay much longer anyway," Anya threw back at him. "You don't mind do you Jerry?"  
  
"Um, well I guess not," Jerry agreed.  
  
"Oh, this won't take long," Anya answered. "I want to have my association with Alexander Harris over as soon as possible so I never have to see him again."  
  
"Fine by me," Xander agreed. "I'll meet you back at the apartment then."  
  
"No problem," Anya replied getting her coat.  
  
Xander and Anya walked out the door together while Jerry tried to settle the last of their tab with the waitress.  
  
* * *  
  
Xander parked his car and walked up towards the door of his building. Anya was waiting for him at the door impatiently. "It took you long enough. But I guess Jerry's car is faster than yours." Every word was a dagger into his heart.  
  
Inserting his keys in the lock he was startled by a voice behind them.  
  
"You've got to help me," a strangled voice appealed. It was Spike looking emaciated and ill.  
  
"Grab him Xander," Anya instructed. Xander stepped forward to catch the beleaguered man as he fell into his arms. Xander half dragged, half carried Spike up to his apartment with Anya's help. Settling him down on the sofa Xander went to fetch a bottle of brandy to try to revive the poor man's spirits while Anya tried to keep him conscious.  
  
"Here," Xander offered when he returned. "Drink this."  
  
Spike took the glass and drank greedily. "More," he commanded when he had finished.  
  
Xander topped him up. After this next drink Spike seemed more of himself. Xander couldn't believe the changes that had taken place in him in just the two weeks since he had seen him last. Spike's cheeks were sunken, he had dark circles under his eyes. He had a growth of beard on his chin and he stank.  
  
"What happened to you?" Anya asked curling up her nose.  
  
"I need you to find Halfrek and get her to undo this," Spike entreated desperately. "I can't live like this. Look at me. It's only been two weeks and already I'm falling to pieces. I want her to put me back"  
  
"She can't do that," Anya explained. "Vengeance demons don't reverse their spells just because people are unhappy with them. That's the whole point of it being a vengeance spell. It doesn't really make you happy. I like to think there's a certain kind of irony to it."  
  
"Anya," Xander halted her diatribe. "This isn't some guy who cheated on his wife. This is Spike. Look at the guy."  
  
Anya turned to see what had become of Spike. "But all she did was make you alive," she reasoned. "She gave you what you asked for. She didn't do this to you. You did this to yourself Spike. You have to live with this now. You have to accept the choices that you have made." Anya turned to Xander. "And so do you Xander."  
  
Anya picked up her box of things and left.  
  
Xander brought Spike a bowl of soup and some bread. Spike ate hungrily as though he hadn't eaten in days. From the looks of him he hadn't.  
  
"So Spike," Xander began after Spike seemed more of himself. "What's with the whole unwashed, unshaved, starvation look?"  
  
"I thought this whole business was going to turn out better than this," Spike commiserated. "But it hasn't. My crypt is cold and drafty. I caught a chill. I took a hotel room but my cash ran out a week ago and I've had to go back to the crypt. I've run out of blood so I haven't got the strength to rob anyone to get more cash and I can't afford any food now so instead of being the best of both worlds I feel like I'm stuck with the worst of both. I need Halfrek to remove this curse from me or I don't know if I'll even last another week."  
  
"Spike," Xander sighed. "It doesn't have to be that complicated."  
  
"How do you do it man?" Spike demanded. "If a great bloody idiot like you can survive then why can't I? I've got brains, I'm resourceful. I should be riding high."  
  
"And you will again but your approach is all wrong," Xander pointed out. "You're still thinking like a vampire but you're more than that now. You have a life again and if what Halfrek said was true, you're going to age and someday die like the rest of us. So you'd better decide what you want out of this life because if you don't it'll be over with before you've had a chance to enjoy it."  
  
"What joy is there for me now?" Spike moaned. "I've lost everything that ever mattered to me. I've lost the Slayer. She won't have anything to do with me. I've still got this bloody chip in my head so all the things that made me happiest as a vampire are lost to me. I thought all the new human pleasures would be able to make up for that but they're all empty to me by myself."  
  
Xander nodded in agreement. "I hear you. But you need to build a life for yourself apart from Buffy, Spike. If you can do that for yourself you won't need her anymore. You know, that's pretty good advice that I should take for myself." Xander poured out a little brandy for himself. "Listen, I'll tell you what. You can stay with me for a few days. Get back on your feet and then maybe you can find a job and get your act together."  
  
"A job?" Spike cried out incredulously. "A bleeding job? Are you kidding? I can't get a job like some ordinary wanker."  
  
"If you don't Spike, you're going to end up right where you are now," Xander reasoned with him. "Give it a chance. Maybe the value of money that was actually earned will put things into perspective for you. Now, why don't you go get a shower and a shave and I'll loan you a pair of pyjamas. You can sleep on the couch."  
  
"Thanks mate," Spike said heading off towards the bathroom. "I knew I could count on you to help me sort things out."  
  
"How did you know I wouldn't just throw you back into the street?" Xander wanted to know.  
  
"When we woke up in the sun that first morning, your first instinct was to protect me. You tried to keep me from combusting. I didn't expect that from you," Spike explained.  
  
"Oh, I was still a little drunk so I can't be held responsible for my actions," Xander fibbed.  
  
* * *  
  
"Alright Buffy, let's figure out what needs to be done," Hank Summers had taken charge. "Your mother couldn't have picked a worse town to purchase a home in," he criticized. "Sunnydale must be the only place in California where the property values have been steadily decreasing over the last 6 years. I don't know if selling this house is the best idea."  
  
"But I don't want to sell the house," Buffy argued. "It's our home."  
  
"Well, you've got to do something to have some money coming in," Hank pointed out. "I've got all my money tied up in my firm. I can still send child support payments for Dawn, but Buffy, you're 21 years old, you're not in school. I can't support you forever. You need to get a job."  
  
"I tried that but it didn't work out very well," Buffy attempted to explain. "I'd like to go back to school when I'm eligible for enrolment again."  
  
"I don't know why you didn't apply to go back for this past year. Surely you could have done that. What did you even do all summer?" Hank was being harsher now. "You and Dawn certainly didn't come and visit me like you usually do. I don't think I even spoke with you once. Every time I called, Dawn and that friend of yours Willow said you were out. Be honest with me, you were avoiding me weren't you? You have been for years now. Not that I blame you. I haven't been around much."  
  
Buffy was rapidly becoming uncomfortable about the direction this conversation was taking. "There was a lot of stuff going on Dad. I didn't think you'd understand."  
  
"Not understand? I'm your father Buffy. You and I used to be close and now I feel like I don't even know you anymore. I don't know any of your friends. I don't know how you spend your time. You never did tell me what you wanted to do when you graduated from college. What did you intend to do with a mishmash of classes like Psychology, sociology and literature?"  
  
"What are you getting at?" Buffy demanded raising her voice.  
  
"You have to take some responsibility for your life young lady," Hank Summers ordered his daughter. "Decide what you want out of life and pursue it. If school isn't right for you then forget about it. Find what is right for you. I look at you right now and I can see that you aren't happy with your life. You look tired and unfulfilled. You need something that will make you happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you, is for you to be happy."  
  
Buffy realized that her father was right. Her life had no real direction. It wasn't just about having a job or people in your life. The only way to be truly happy was to know what you wanted and Buffy still didn't know that. She needed to discover herself before she could ever make any final choices about her life. "Thanks Dad," she said hugging him. "I needed some common sense."  
  
Surprised by the hug from his wayward daughter Hank Summers was already formulating an idea that would help out his financially strapped daughter.  
  
* * *  
  
Spike woke up with a start at the sound of the alarm clock and someone moving around. Confused at his surroundings he finally realized that he was at Xander's apartment. Xander emerged from his bedroom wearing a blue robe. "Come on bleach boy," he teased Spike. "I'm making bacon and eggs for breakfast."  
  
Spike's stomach gurgled happily at the thought of it. He managed to put away a hearty helping of eggs, four strips of bacon as well as plenty of toast before his belly told him to stop. Xander looked on amusedly. "You're going to have to earn that breakfast today by coming in to work with me. What I have to do today is a two-man job and Tito was going to come and help out but since you're around I'll tell him not to bother." Xander decided.  
  
"Sure, why not," Spike agreed. "A little honest labour would do me good. Idle hands are the devil's playthings."  
  
Xander and Spike worked on gutting the Gregory's kitchen all morning. Spike was a definite asset to Xander and even was savvy enough to turn on the charm with Mrs Gregory when she stopped by to check on their progress.  
  
"Oh you boys must be getting thirsty," she smiled. "Why don't I bring you each a big glass of iced tea and you can take a break on the patio. I'll bet that would hit the spot."  
  
"That's very kind of you," Spike complimented her politely. "You have a lovely home Mrs. Gregory. Although it's a shame about the layout here or else you'd probably get a lot more use out of your beautiful patio."  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked looking at the door leading to the patio from the hallway.  
  
"Well, if you had a sliding door off of your kitchen you could have wonderful summer brunch parties outside. It would give you a chance to show off your garden," Spike explained. Also, you'd be bringing the morning light into your kitchen. I've become quite partial to morning sunshine myself recently."  
  
"Oh, what a wonderful idea," Mrs. Gregory decided clapping her hands together in excitement. "I'm going to talk to my husband about having you do that while you're here." She immediately hastened off to consult her husband although her mind was already made up.  
  
"Good call Spike," Xander complimented him. "That's another three days work here at least. How about working on this project with me? I think Mrs. Gregory has taken a liking to you."  
  
And so it continued on Xander's other jobs. He found that Spike had a particular knack for dealing with clients whereby he could address their concerns with a little light conversation often suggesting additional renovations. They really fell for the British accent too. Soon Xander and Spike had a good little business going. By the end of two months time they had more clients than they could deal with and had taken on some of Xander's former co-workers from the construction company to work for them.  
  
They were even making enough money that Spike had been able to move off of Xander's couch and into an apartment of his own in the same building. The night that he moved in he had a little get together for friends. Willow and Tara showed up bringing a large potted plant for a housewarming gift. Xander gave him a bottle of brandy and Dawn showed up alone bearing a large tin of chocolate macadamia nut cookies.  
  
"All on your own then?" Spike inquired looking down the hallway when he opened the door and saw her there.  
  
"Yeah, Buffy just dropped me off and told me to be home by 11:00," she explained. "I asked her to come in but she said she couldn't."  
  
"Oh well," Spike tried to make light of it. "More cookies for me." Dawn could see that he was really disappointed by Buffy's absence.  
  
"Hey Tara," Dawn enthusiastically called out as she stepped inside. "Willow tells me you're going to England with her. It's going to be so lonely around Sunnydale without you guys."  
  
Tara was glowing with happiness. "We're going to miss you too but Willow can't pass up a scholarship to Oxford University. Then when Giles offered me a job working with him it seemed like the Fates wanted us to stay together." Tara took Willow by the hand and smiled at her. "How are you and Buffy going to make out at home without Willow around to act as a buffer between the two of you?" Tara teased.  
  
"Oh, Buffy's got it all figured out already," Dawn explained. "She's going to move into Willow's room and I'm going to take Buffy's room because it's bigger than mine. She's already arranged to have someone come by and cut down the tree outside the window though. What kind of person does she think I am anyway?"  
  
"Buffy seems to be doing a lot better," Tara observed. "It's really helped out a lot with your Dad having his company buy your Mom's house from you. That way you get the money for it, you still get to live there and your Dad gets to claim it as a tax writeoff. Everybody's happy. Buffy even managed to qualify for late acceptance for school so she'll be back in classes in September. Art History is a perfect major for her. I remember when I first showed her my book of Renaissance paintings how absorbed she was in it."  
  
"Yeah," Dawn agreed. "My Mom's partners in her gallery have told Buffy that they'll take her on for an internship while she's in school. It'll be like a part time job on weekends so she'll have some spending money and still be home weeknights with me. In addition to that they said that once she graduates they'd be willing to sell her back Mom's share of the business. With the money from the sale of the house accruing interest in the bank like it is now Buffy will have more than enough money for that and for me to go to college. Of course if my grades keep up like they have been I may qualify for a scholarship."  
  
After the pleasantries and idle chitchat had been exchanged Willow pulled Xander off to one side. "Xander I'm so glad you're getting on with your life," Willow enthused. "I was almost afraid to tell you that Anya's engaged to that Jerry guy. But now that I see you've moved on I don't have to worry about letting it slip. But I guess I already did. Whoops."  
  
"Anya's engaged?" Xander couldn't believe his ears. "But we only broke up three months ago. Isn't she moving a little fast?"  
  
Willow sensed a shift in the mood. "Anya wants to be married, Xander. She wanted to be married to you but you weren't ready for it so she's found someone who is. I've met Jerry. He's a really nice guy. You'd like him. I'm sure they'll be very happy together." Willow attempted a brave smile but the concern was registering on her face.  
  
Without waiting one second longer Xander ran out the door and downstairs to his car. He found himself outside Anya's apartment his heart pounding.  
  
Frantically he started banging on the door. After a few minutes a light appeared inside and Anya appeared. "Xander? What do you want?" she demanded.  
  
"Is it true?" he asked desperately. "Are you really marrying that guy?"  
  
"Why do you care?" Anya spoke with a hurt tone. "You didn't want to marry me so why shouldn't I marry someone else?"  
  
"I always wanted to marry you," Xander confessed. "From the first time we were together I knew you were someone special but you scared me at the same time. A vengeance demon is a pretty hard act to follow. I'm not the same man who left you at the altar Anya. I've done a lot of thinking these last few months. I don't want to be with anyone else. There is noone else for me. I feel like I've been cursed by a vengeance demon in that I can't imagine myself with anyone else but you."  
  
Anya opened the door and stepped up to Xander, "But what about my demon past? That's something you have to deal with still. If you can't accept that then you can't accept me."  
  
Xander took Anya by the hand. "Anya I've been working and living with Spike for the last two months. If I can accept him and think of him as one of my best friends then you being a vengeance demon is nothing. You are what you are and I love all of you. Demon or not."  
  
"I love you too Xander," Anya replied.  
  
Xander leaned in and kissed Anya. Breaking away he reached into his wallet and pulled out a piece of paper. "Hey, I've got an idea Anya."  
  
* * *  
  
"These bloody nicotine patches are crap," Spike spouted getting annoyed with himself.  
  
"At least you're making the effort," Dawn pointed out sitting next to him.  
  
"So, um, how's big sis doing?" he wanted to know.  
  
"She's getting her life in order," Dawn revealed. "For the first time since she's been back she seems to be thinking about the future and is setting goals for herself."  
  
"How have things been on the slayage front?" Spike added.  
  
"Pretty slow actually," Dawn admitted. "She says there's just the occasional stray vamp hanging out in the cemeteries. There's even one who's set up in your old crypt." Dawn looked around at the stylish décor admiringly and quipped, "I definitely like this place much better. You have furniture that doesn't look like it was left by someone's curbside and I don't have to worry about rats. I never told you but that's why I always sat with my feet up when I'd come over, because I was afraid the rats would bite me."  
  
"Oh, that's just great," Spike laughed. "You were more afraid of being bitten by the rats than by me." Then, upon thinking about it Spike blushed at the thought of living like that. It seemed a million years ago. He couldn't believe it had been only two months since he had put it all behind him.  
  
The door to his apartment swung open. Xander and Anya stood there arm in arm. "Congratulate us guys," Xander yelled out. "We just got married."  
  
Anya was ecstatic, hugging Willow, Tara and Dawn, even Xander's co-workers she had never met before. Tito even tried to cop a feel.  
  
Spike was grinning from ear to ear as he walked over and shook Xander's hand. "You cagey bugger. I knew you'd pull it off eventually. Good for you." Spike leaned over and gave Anya a kiss on the cheek. "My congratulations Mrs. Harris. You've got yourself one helluva great guy here. He turned my life around that's for sure."  
  
Anya looked up at Xander in amazement.  
  
A quiet knock at the door sent Dawn galloping over to open it. "Buffy?" she cried out. "You're just in time."  
  
Buffy stood there looking lost in the excitement of the occasion. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"Xander and Anya. They're back together. They got married," Dawn was beside herself.  
  
Buffy's eyes grew as big as plates and rushed in to congratulate the happy couple. "You guys," she gushed. "That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you both."  
  
Buffy was hugging everyone as she moved around the room happily. Eventually she found herself in front of Spike. Awkwardly they leaned in and hugged, lingering for a few moments before breaking apart.  
  
"Great thing about those two isn't it," Spike started, attempting to make conversation. "Who'd have thought from where they were just a few months ago that they'd end up like this?"  
  
"I need to know something Spike," Buffy asked looking around the apartment. "All these changes. Getting a job, this apartment, even the way you look. Is this all for me?"  
  
"It started out that way," Spike admitted. "But somewhere along the way it stopped being about you and started being about me. I like taking pride in who I am. I like having a future, a real future. But I have to be honest with myself. When it comes down to it there's still a vampire inside me. That's part of who I am and I can't change that. I don't know if you can accept that or not Buffy."  
  
Buffy stood staring at Spike for the longest time before answering. "It doesn't matter where you start out. It only matters where you end up. I like where I am now and you're part of that Spike."  
  
Spike put his arms around Buffy in an embrace that he was prepared to have last for the rest of their lives. Willow and Tara looked over at the happy couple.  
  
"Well, I guess they both got what they wanted," Tara summed up. "Buffy has an identity that doesn't have anything to do with being the Slayer but can live in harmony with it."  
  
"What about Spike?" Willow asked enjoying Tara's interpretation of their friends' lives. "What did he really want?"  
  
Dawn walked over and joined Buffy and Spike in their embrace and was happily welcomed.  
  
"Spike wanted to belong to someone. He needed a family," Tara observed. "You know what they say," she added with a smirk. "The family that slays together, stays together."  
  
* * *  
  
Three years later:  
  
As the slight girl in the yellow dress delivered the deathblow to the large demon at her feet she looked around at the destruction it had caused in the neighbourhood. Cars were dented and several telephone poles were knocked down. More than one house had structural damage. As she made her way home Buffy stopped to place a business card for "H & S Home Renovations" in each mailbox. Smiling, she went on her way with the antique amulet she had removed from the demon's grasp securely stored away in her tiny handbag.  
  
"What is it?" Anya asked looking at the amulet. "Should we start researching it?"  
  
"No," Buffy stopped her. "Judging by the crosscross pattern on the back I would date it to the Middle Ages. This type of amulet was typically used to summon great evil forces. We have to be on the lookout for anyone who might have been looking to buy this."  
  
Spike walked in the door. His bleach blond hair now a dirty blond and much shorter in the front. "I got your message luv," he leaned over and gave Buffy a peck on the cheek. "What's the trouble?"  
  
"I killed a demon tonight but I don't think it was alone," she explained. "We need to go out on the hunt."  
  
"I'd better suit up then," Spike asserted. Walking over to the small bar fridge at the back of the store he removed a packet of blood. He warmed it up in the microwave and then poured it into a mug that sported the Manchester United logo.  
  
After downing the warm sticky fluid Spike stood still for a moment letting the demon take over. In full demon face he turned to Buffy and gang, "Alright, I'm ready."  
  
"That's great Popeye," Xander joked. "Let's go."  
  
"Will you stop calling me that," Spike warned. "If you call me that one more time I'm going to bite you. I mean it this time."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Xander challenged him. "You and what army? You wouldn't bite me anyway. Who else would put up with your rotten pool playing." Turning to Anya Xander placed a cautionary hand on her belly. "Maybe you'd better sit this one out honey," he smiled tenderly. "We don't want anything happening to little Xander junior."  
  
"We don't even know if it's a boy or a girl yet so you can't call it that yet," Anya reprimanded her husband.  
  
"That's a perfectly good name for a boy or a girl," Xander pleaded.  
  
"I kind of like the sound of Spike," Spike joked. "Nobody's going to mess with a kid with a name like that. Particularly if it's a girl."  
  
"What about Buffy?" Buffy suggested enthusiastically.  
  
The other three groaned with grimaces on their faces.  
  
As the foursome took off into the night they turned out the lights in the Magic Box leaving it in darkness. A small glowing orb appeared in the back near the stacks of books. The figure of Halfrek appeared and smiled after them. "Vengeance is served," she pronounced.  
  
The End 


End file.
